Tuesday 22 October 2013

Thirty Ways To Know A Celiac

1) More people have discussed your digestion, abdomen and poop than you ever thought possible

2) You have the grocery budget of Donald Trump

3) Someone has told you that GF bread is available at the store. You act shocked and laugh behind your hands.

4) Someone has told you that they can make a perfect GF bread that tastes just like Olive Garden Breadsticks. You act shocked and laugh behind your hands

5) The sight of a countertop littered with breadcrumbs elicits a fear response in you akin to a peek into Jeffery Dahmer's freezer

6) You have physically restrained yourself from sucker punching the jerk at the table that vocally talks about how his stupid sister is a 'celiac' now and how the whole thing is made up

7) You fart....a lot

8) You can fart with a stealth that is awe inspiring. You can blame your actions on the closest baby/ old person/ dog with a straight face

9) You have had to explain seven million times WHAT  gluten is and WHAT it does to your body. You say the word 'villi' more times than your gastroenterologist does.

10) You try to explain your disease in the broadest of terms and yet have always had to go into horrid detail at a  baby shower because people won't let it go

11) If a server shrugs at you while you are trying to talk about your Celiacs, you want to deliver a karate slice a la Jackie Chan to their throat.

12) You believe that when your intestines are threatened, that you have the skills of Jackie Chan

13) You have at least fifteen people in your life who think they have Celiacs

14) People tell you all the time how much your bread looks and tastes like crap....while you are eating it

15) You have had the corn pasta vs rice pasta debate for hours. Usually with someone who hasn't had either.

16) You have been unexpectedly poisoned and have secret codes that you have developed with your spouse and friends to communicate that you have to get home before you start moaning like livestock

17) Everyone and their dog have told you what you can and can not eat

18) You have someone in your life who simply, no matter how many times you explain, do not understand what you can and can not eat. These people ask questions like 'are carrots gluten free?'

19) These same people might think that they can pass their gluten on to you like it lives in them. They say 'I washed my hands before I touched your chair.' You stop yourself from yelling, 'It's not HEP C it's GLUTEN!"

20) You dream of sourdough bread every once in a while.

21) You can't remember the last time that you ate at a buffet. You aren't upset at this.

22) You have lied about things that contain gluten in an effort to not eat stuff you hate. "Well, um, aspic salad could have gluten in it. Sorry."

23) You have had some of the most epic baking fails in the history of man kind. You wear these like purple hearts.

24) You nod and smile at the acquaintance who has cut out wheat from their diet in an effort to lose weight/ be smarter/ have a baby/ join the navy.

25) You don't kick these people in the privates when they moan to you about how hard it is for them to stay away from ice cream sandwiches, as they eat a fistful of Ritz Crackers.

26) Dirty Utensils terrify you

27) You have two toasters

28) You bring food with you EVERYWHERE. You have had bread shipped to another country so it is there for your arrival. This costs you a great deal of money. You don't care. See number 2.

29) You feel stronger and brighter and cleaner than you did before your diagnosis. You can not explain this to people. When you do, they resent you and promptly cut gluten from their diets.

30) You are proud of yourself and your loved ones for embracing this disease and not being afraid to try new things. Every day you do not get poisoned is another day of health and vitality and a vote towards a bright and shining life.