Saturday 28 November 2015

Just Cheat

"Just cheat, take the risk."

I've heard this hundreds of times since being diagnosed with Celiacs and I'm so sick of it, I feel like grabbing a bat and smashing the person's car up. 

There are several problems with this statement and making it to a Celiac, let's go through them in a vulgarity laced tirade shall we?

Number one, fuck you. How dare you tell me what to do with my body. How dare you shrug at my disease like it is nothing but an inconvenience. This isn't like having a glass of  wine while on antibiotics or a mini chocolate bar while you are trying to lose weight so you fit into a tube top. It's not a God damn option so stop suggesting that it is. Stop implying that I have a choice in the matter. Your tone is both dismissive and insulting. Let me switch it up on you. 

You: "Oh, I can't eat that peanut butter, I'm allergic."

Me: shrugs while looking at a TV guide from 1981, "You could cheat."

You: "Well, then my tongue would swell up and I would have to take an epi pen shot."

Me: "But it's PEANUT BUTTER. It's the best thing in the world."

You: "Well, it's really serious."

Me: Shrugs again while shoving handfuls of peanut butter in my mouth. "I know people who don't even think your condition is a real thing anyway."

You consider buying a gun.

See where I'm going here? Feel like an asshole? You should.

Number Two. It's not worth it. It really isn't, and this is coming from a serious bread addict. I love bread. I adore it. The whiter, the more gluteney, the better. I miss croissants and sourdough and baguettes and donuts and eclairs. I jones for them like heroin addicts jones for a hit twenty years after their last hit. THIS is how much I love gluten so I assure you, if it was even remotely worth cheating, I would do it without your shittily timed suggestion. If I eat a minute amount of gluten, I get sick. Really really really sick. Have you ever had stomach poisoning? You ate some bad sushi or didn't know that the chicken shouldn't be pink? Remember that feeling like you wanted to die? Yeah. That's it. Right there. That's how it feels to be glutened. So, think about it. Would you choose to feel like that? For anything? Me neither.

Number Three. The damage is long term. The chances of me dying from colon cancer are three times higher than they are for you. The more gluten I eat, the bigger the chances of that happening. So, it's not worth it. If you don't think that colon cancer is a big deal, you are more than welcome to goggle image it. Go on, I'll wait...... You're back? Did you like that? Colons that looking like they are some distressed alien planet? That doesn't look painful at all does it? Does it look like something you would be willing to cheat for? Is there a Twinkie out there that is delicious enough for you to get that? Think about it. Then shut up.

So stop. Don't tell a Celiac that they can cheat. don't shrug at our disease like it's a choice. Don't treat us like we are being silly or overly cautious. 

We can't eat gluten, any more than you can eat drain cleaner. It's poison. 

Get it? Any questions?