Tuesday 21 July 2015


Stop everything you are doing. Stop it. I don't care if you are in the middle of micro surgery or driving a wrecking ball. Stop.

This is a game changer.

Not that Celiacs is a game, it's not. If it is a game, it's a really shitty one designed by those Mayans who invented that demented version of soccer where the losers get hung up by their balls and get their skin flayed off, or whatever.

Celiacs is a game no one wins at. UNTIL NOW....

A scientist in Alberta (where I live btw, you're fucking welcome) has developed a pill that allows Celiacs to eat gluten. Yeah. That's right. It's a thing.

I will pause here for you to read the ARTICLE and then jump around a bit, drink a bottle of champagne, cha cha with a homeless dude, call everyone you have ever known and do the Ne Ne for a while.

You all good? Excellent. Let's move on.

This is the perfect solution to our problems. Celiacs have always said that we aren't sure if we would take a full cure for Celiacs. We don't necessarily think that gluten, even if we could eat it, is a great thing to eat. There is lots of debate about the place of gluten in a balanced diet and each person can make up their own mind about it.

However, for Celiacs a lot of the things that we want to eat and can't, are usually the things that are kind of shitty for you. Which is why we wouldn't necessarily need to be able to eat gluten items everyday but to be able to eat it every once in a while? Oh dear lord in heaven above, that would change my life.

Literally, change my life. Like, you know how having children or learning to walk or robbing that Chicken on the Way store totally changed your life? That's how much this is going to change my life.

Times that a two hour break from my Celiacs would be more than welcome.

- In Mexico when the delightful waiter smiles a lot but shrugs when I say the word 'gluten'

- Travelling...anywhere really. Road trips, long shopping days, running from the Terminator, you know, standard stuff.

- 3 am....drunk

- 3 pm....drunk

- Parties. I hate saying no to birthday cake. It feels like I am putting a bad omen on people. I refuse to eat the thing that symbolizes your happiness for the next year. People are also really pushy about the cake. I don't know why. Everyone offers you the cake, even people who have nothing to do with the actual party. Other guests will constantly be pushing a floppy plate with a six pound sugar brick toward me until I leave. It's weird. It would be nice to eat the cake.

- When I get hangry. For those of you who don't know, hangry is a mix between hungry and angry and it happens when you are past the point of logic for eating. This spirals into a possible terrorist incident when everyone else is eating a deep dish pizza and I am sipping water. I call this, 'Def Com 4 HANGRY' and is not fucking pretty.

- OR anytime really. That's the beauty of this. It would be so great to be out with people that I don't know and NOT have to discuss my intestines. That.Would.Be.Amazing.

The discussion then turns to cost. Everyone hates big pharma. Go ahead and hate them, but if they make my Celiac pill over the counter? They are my favorite people. The over the counter thing is important because it makes it more affordable and accessible to everyone. Celiacs is expensive enough, don't make it worse. That being said, I would pay a lot for one of these buggers. Like a lot. I don't know really what that means or where I would stop but it would be a stupid amount. Why? Because it's paying for peace of mind as much as it is paying for me to go gluten crazy. I would pay a lot for peace of mind.

But let's not go all Donald Trump on this thing. Let's try to be inclusive okay Big Pharma?

So of course, I have started my wish list, of course. I don't think I would eat this all on the same pill but it is certainly a starting point!

FOOD I WOULD EAT IF I HAD A CONJUGAL VISIT WITH GLUTEN (keeping in mind that they would taste like shit because most of them are shit. I don't care, I would still want them. It's the principle of the thing).

- A deep dish pizza (yup, the whole thing. Reach for a piece and you will come back with a bloody stump)
- French Bread (the entire loaf and a bucket of butter please)
- Croissants (all warmed up and flaky....mmmmm)
- A Big Mac (I know, I know, shut up)
- Fried Chicken (not necessarily KFC but close)
- Fried Onion Rings
- Anything at a diner really (doused in gravy)
- A Sub (loaded, soft, stretchy bun)
- A S'more (or fifty)
- My Aunt Val's cream puffs
- My Aunt Barb's Nanaimo bars
- My Friend Natasha's butter tarts
- Naan Bread
- Bread on SALE (take that capitalism)
- Breaded wings
- Chinese noodles
- Kraft Dinner
- Something from a vending machine

And.... ANYTHING I want at a restaurant.....ANYTHING! I can have anything I want and not have to have a lengthy discussion with the server and give them an IQ test before they take my order. It wouldn't matter if he/she got it wrong. There would be no consequences for a kitchen mistake. I could go into a restaurant full of blind zebras making my food and no matter what....I could eat there and I would not suffer any consequences other than a zebra hair in my dinner. This thought is dizzying to me.

To be honest, I got a little weepy when I read the article. It's a game changer bitches. So when you lay your heads down at night, say a little prayer to whoever you think is looking out for you that this actually comes into play.

I know I will.

Now, go make your lists of what you are going to eat and let me know what is on them so I can add them to mine.