Monday, 31 October 2011

Rot your teeth, not your small intestine!

Here is a list of some GF goodies for Halloween. I admit that I looked it up so I could root through the spawn's pillow cases under the guise that I am "making it safe" and take what I want because "they look poison." I'll leave the apples with razor blades, I think that any fruit would be safe in a bag of Halloween candy. Seriously, what are those crazies thinking? What kid is going to eat an apple when they could eat a tootsie roll? You hate kids AND you are stupid....two strikes.


Happy Halloween!!!



This is just the shit I like. A more extensive list can be found:

http://celiacdisease.about.com/od/glutenfreefoodshopping/a/GFcandies.htm

Now go put yourself into a sugar coma!
    According to Mars Chocolate, the following candies are gluten-free:
  • M&M's (all EXCEPT for pretzel-flavored M&M's
  • 3 Musketeers Bars (all flavors)
  • Milky Way Midnight Bar
  • Milky Way Caramel Bar
  • Dove Chocolate products (all flavors)
  • Snickers Bars (all flavors)
  • Munch Nut Bar
    The following Mars Chocolate products are NOT gluten-free:
  • Milky Way Bar (original)
  • Mars Bar

Thursday, 27 October 2011

PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!

PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! This is how I start all texts. It's true, ask my friends. I send a text that says PAY ATTENTION  TO ME and then I wait ten minutes before asking them something inane like, "what time is it in Timbucktoo?" or "what color are your eyes" or "how much wood CAN a wood chuck chuck..." and they answer me. It's wonderful and it works, try it. I will give you my all of my friends numbers and you will see. And I realize the brainless story about the snotty nosed lad who had some issues with a wolf or a badger or something but that kid didn't have a black berry so he sucked. But  NOW..... now. I need you to really really pay attention. It's important to me and because I love you and you....well....find me mildly amusing and tolerate me so you gotta listen up.


Rememer People Food? I blogged about them a bit ago “People Food, Go or I will kick you in the Privates?” Anyway, they are changing things up a bit and focusing on charter school lunches soooo PAY ATTENTION TO ME you need to get them into your kids charter school…..like…now. Good.

NEXT. They have put out a menu for weekly orders, you can order something by Tuesday at and then pick it up on Sat between 11 and 4. Now remember, this is FRESH gluten free food, it isn’t packaged, frozen and full of crap to help preserve it, it’s good old food that is made by people who care about what goes into that temple of a body you have. Let’s be honest, at People Food, the main ingredient, is love. Soooo now, PAY ATTENTION TO ME… you should order stuff from them because it’s awesome and I want them to keep doing it. I also got a mention on the menu which makes feel me all warm and gooey inside. Here is the info, call or email, even if you don’t have Celiac’s remember that gluten is kinda shitty for you and this food will make you feel good. I promise.

This Week
********************************************************************************************************************
The Food we are offering for the week.   Order by Tues Nov 1 and pick up on Saturday Nov 5, 2011:
FROM THE BAKE SHOP
Oneder Bread:        $8 per loaf
Pizza Crusts:    $7 a crust.
Frozen Cookie balls: $1 per ball.  A minimum dozen per order. Flavours:  peanut butter, chocolate chip, ginger zipper.
Score bars;   Brownines;   Lazy Daisy Cakes: $5 each.
Banana Chocolate chip mini loaves:  $15 per 6 loafs (minimum order of 6 loaves)
Babycakes: Carrot (cream cheese icing) Chocolate Zucchini (butter cream icing)  $18 per dozen.  Minimum dozen per order.
Standard Cake orders:  6 – 8 ppl starting at $60
Specialty Cakes orders  6 -8 ppl starting at $80
Seasonal pies: pumpkin, apple, cherry, etc (although that is not a food, it is more of an abbrebiation) starting at $18 
FROM THE KITCHEN
Carrot and Ginger soup (dairy free):   $7 per 16oz
Coleslaw with homade ranch dressing (epic):    $7 per 16oz
Perogies (Caramelized onion, aged cheddar cheese and potato) ((a freakin celiac’s delight)) $6 per 4 perogies
Gluten Free Garlic sausage or Smokies by European deli $12 per 4, please specify which sausage you would like.

Happily, you can reach us at hello@peoplefood.ca write to us what you would like us to make for you and what we can set aside for you on Saturday November 5.  This week there are no limits, that might change.  You fine people have until Tuesday @ .  If your order has not been placed, then tragically, there will be no food waiting for you here at the momentus people food store.
Have fun placing your order with us, and we will see everyone on Saturday the 5 of November between 11 -4 for you to pick up your food. 




Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Doing a Gluten Free Jig!

Doing the dance of joy here readers, and you should too!!!
 
Rice Krispies are going Gluten Free. I doubt we will see them up here in the great white north anytime soon but there is always hope!
 
 
 
 
 
New Rice Krispies® Gluten Free cereal, made with brown rice, lets you bring a childhood favorite back to the table. Now your kids can enjoy a bowlful for breakfast, and they won’t miss out on the timeless taste of homemade Rice Krispies Treats® marshmallow squares.

Friday, 21 October 2011

"I'm not a smart man... but I know what love is." Bubba Gumps

Trev and I rarely fall into the cheesy loser tourist category, except when we go to….The Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.  For those of you who are stupid (offence intended) and can’t figure it out, the BGSC is a theme restaurant based on the movie Forrest Gump. There aren’t any in Canada (as far as I know, but if there is one, don’t enlighten me, there isn’t one in my backyard so I don’t really care if there is one in Toronto) so Trev and I have to go when we are close to one because we are hard core seafood lovers.

 Sidebar, this is why I think we should live near the ocean somewhere but alas, Trev’s gotta be where oil is and that bitch mother nature didn’t put no oil in Hawaii… selfish cow. End Sidebar.

 I myself have a special given talent for eating seafood, oh you heard me, some people are good at molecular science, others are musical prodigy’s, I could eat one entire lobster in a sitting by the age of 8.  Why my mother never entered me in pageants for this talent, I will never know. I love all seafood, especially the seafood that you have to work for. There is nothing more satisfying than beating the crap out of your food with a hammer and a fancy pair of pliers just to suck the meat out. It tastes so much better when it takes exertion. And between you me and the fence post, I really like the bib too. Seafood is the only fare that comes with clothes! How awesome is that? Free garments! Seafood kicks the shit out of any other food just on the accessory front.

 My love for seafood is equally matched by my husband’s love of shiny flashing cups. Now, let me clarify here reader because I understand that my last statement made my Trev sound like a moronic simpleton and there is nothing farther from the truth. The light up cups at Bubba Gumps are - in the simplest of terms - the shit. They are perfectly formed and fit in your hand flawlessly and are the ideal size for what I call a “Canadian triple”. Which is basically, three ounces of the alcohol of your choice mixed with 4 tablespoons of the mix of your choice, neither ingredient matters too much, just the ratio -it’s all about class people.  We don’t drink out of the light up cups all the time but they get sent to the trailer for camping.  I can still feel your judgment, so I ask you dear reader, late at night, in the Canadian Rockies, when the fire is crackling and it’s pitch fucking black near your lawn chair, can you find your moonshine? I didn’t think so! I can!  I can because I have been to Bubba Gumps! We had a pair of glasses that we have been using religiously for two years and during a camping trip this summer, the last one died. Trev was holding it, gingerly; with reverence so it departed this life knowing it was loved. When its light finally faded into oblivion, Trev looked me dead in the eye and said, “We have to go back”. It was very “Braveheart” really touching.

ANYWAY…. We go to BGSC the second night of our vacation. I did not call ahead to see if they had a GF menu because it didn’t t really matter, we were going there if I had to eat the napkins. Julia (the small spawn) is terrified of stupid shit and therefore is scared of the guy dressed up like a shrimp that dances in front of the restaurant. That's right, she is terrified of the server who lost the bet and had to dress up like a shrimp in a top hat….I don’t make this up. So we have to like charge in as if we just stole something or we are taking it by storm so everyone knows when the Lyons Family has arrived. Then we met, Alanna. Hence forth known as “kick ass server bitch” because she ROCKED. I eat out a great deal, and NEVER have I felt like my server was as invested in my health as Alanna was. I have also served a great many tables in my day and I would like to think that I was pretty damn good at it and I can tell when someone is good at their job because they want to be or if they are good at their job out of sheer experience. Alanna is outstanding at her job because she wants to be.

BGSC has a Gluten Free menu in the making and not ready for production so Alanna  basically walked me through the whole menu telling me what is in each and every dish. Her food knowledge was unmatched. Then I picked what I wanted :The Steamed Shellfish - (clearly with out the bread)



Steamed Shellfish
A delicious mix of steamed Mussels, Clams,
Snow Crab, Lobster Claw and Shrimp.
Served with Jasmine Rice and a side of
Mama’s best Garlic Bread. 22.99





Few things of note here:
A) size of meal  - realized after I finished it that table next to us was sharing it between two people
B) Glowing cup full of green love and rum
C) My kid literally looking at me like I am an embarassing fucking idiot
D) the level of awesomeness in this picture

Alanna, checked every single ingredient, conversed with the kitchen and even went into the cooler to pull new butter for me and make sure that it was safe. Blown away does not even explain our experience for Alanna and BGSC. It was a treat to be so indulged and I was beyond grateful. The meal was perfect, the service outstanding and the cups super glowy.


So Bubba Gumps, thanks for a great meal and thanks to Alanna for all her dedication to my intestinal health, I raise my flashy cup to you which is right now full of Pinot Grigio……I am all class people, all class.

"That's all I have to say about that..."


Next Stop...my new happy place...PF Changs.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

BEWARE............

I need to pause in my relaying of the Disney fun to pass on an experience that I had. It is as fascinating as it is frightening.

So I went into a coffee shop yesterday, one that I have never been to, seeking desperately, a cup of coffee. It was a cute little place and while the gal was whipping up my americano, I perused the display of baked goods. She was a good salesman and asks if I want anything from the display case. I give her a sad face and say that although it looks fantastic, I have Celiacs so I can't eat any of it but thanks anyway. This is the exchange that followed.

Coffee chick, (who I liked at this point but not so much by the end,) "But those cupcakes are Gluten Free."

Celiac Goddess, "Really? You should label them as such and advertise that." But then I look and there on the little tag in tiny, bug sized lettering is "GF". "What do you use to make them?"

Coffee Chickie-poo, "Quinoa flour."

Celiac Goddess, "Huh, well then maybe I will try one, the cookies and cream look good. But is that an Oreo on the top?"

Coffee chickie, "Yup,"

Celiac Goddess, "Oreo's aren't gluten free."

Coffee chickie, "But there is no flour in the cupcake, so it's gluten free."

Celiac Goddess, "But I still can't eat the Oreo."

Coffee chickie, Unfazed, " But there is chocolate flavor cupcake." and adds my favorite line, "Lots of Celiac people eat here all the time." Did you give them a blood test? Many people eat Gluten Free that aren't Celiacs.

Then, I look closer and throw up a little, "Are they sharing a tray with the regular cupcakes?"

Coffee chick,"Yes, but there isn't flour in them so they are Gluten Free." She is losing patience with me.

Celiac Goddess, "Do you have special cake pans for the GF stuff, or Special bowls, separate pans or even a cutting board that is designated gluten free?"

Coffee chick, "No," now with a tone like I am a fucking idiot, "But the cupcakes do not have wheat in them, so they are Gluten Free."

Celiac Goddess, "Can you guarantee that they have no Gluten AT ALL in them?" The cupcakes no longer look cute and yummy, they look menacing and poisonous.

Coffee chick, "Well, I can guarantee that they were not made with wheat,"

Celiac Goddess, "But that's not enough. At least say that you have done EVERYTHING you possibly can to prevent cross contamination and then do that, but don't say that you have Gluten Free cupcakes with an OREO on it!"

Coffee chick, "BUT THEY DON"T HAVE WHEAT......" she says slowly like I didn't hear her the last four times.

Celiac Goddess giving up, "Ya, but I can't have them if they have come so close to flour, most Celiac's couldn't."

Coffee chick. In a manner that implies she just made OJs glove fit, "I have a Gluten Sensitivity and eat here all the time."

Celiac Goddess, "Ya, I don't just have a sensitivity, its a little different." I felt the eye roll. I just slipped seamlesly into her 'stupid customer' file and I was going to be relayed to her friends that night when she has a non GF beer.

Coffee chick, shrugging, "Well, I'm sure you will be fine," There is nothing in this world that I have been less sure of than that statement.

Celiac Goddess, "But you guys REALLY shouldn't say that something is Gluten free unless you have looked into the Cross Contamination issue." I started to explain but stopped.

She was done with me and basically didn't respond. I feel like a doomsday psycho when I say, be vigilant, be on your guard and let no gluten get to you. I would normally roast this places name over the coals BUT they were fairly new and so I figure I will give them a chance before I vilify them. I am writing a letter to the owner to educate them on what is and what is not Gluten Free and will go back to visit in a little while and see what happens then. I know for some people, not having wheat in something fulfills whatever diet their personal trainer put them on but for some of us, just swapping out the flour doesn't cut it!!


Beware of the labels....or Halloween could come early (insert creepy laugh here).



More Anaheim stories Next Time! Life was like a box of chocolates at Bubba Gumps!

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The Mouse didn't lie to you........

Disneyland IS the happiest place on earth! Especially for Celiac's. We were on and off the park for a total of five days and I didn't get sick ONCE. Not to question the Be Our Guest crew, but I was SHOCKED. I thought for sure that I would have some sort of problem with at least cross contamination but I was totally fine. I really shouldn't be shocked because I think Disney does everything very well. They handle their guests with mickey mouse gloves where ever you go. They amaze me the most in their crowd control. Disneyland moves people with artistry. You may have thousands of people around you while you are trying to get from main street to adventure land after the fireworks but the smiling happy person with the flashlight is showing you the right way! Suddenly, you don't feel crowded or like a sheep, you are a part of the magic!

It is obvious that the people at Disney have figured out that the Cruella Deville is in the details. When my daughter was dressed as a princess after her visit to the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique (a completely indulgent spa for spoiled little girls that makes you over to look like your fave Disney princess), everywhere we went, people stopped to acknowledge her. For example, a man sweeping the street, stopped as we passed, clicked his heels together, bowed and exclaimed, "Your Majesty, might I say that you look lovely today" and then continued on with his sweeping like this was nothing! The makeover was costly, but Disney made it worth it all day!


This policy of perfection continues on in their food preparation. We ate at a few places in Disneyland and in Disney's California Adventure Park and it was awesome each time. Even at the quick lunch places, I would say "Celiac" or "Gluten Free" and it would be an all stop. A chef would come out, talk to me about what I could eat there and then would discuss with the employee about what to feed me. Then I would watch as the "Crew Member" would change their gloves, clean their space and prepare my Gluten Free meal. It was so wonderful. I ate at one of the character breakfasts so the little spawn could meet the Princesses and when I called to make the reservation, the person booking me in, asked if I had any allergies. When I got to the restaurant, there was a sheet of paper covered in highlighter, passed around from hostess to server to kitchen. They knew I was coming and my experience started with the server telling ME what I was having for breakfast.


It was tremendous, a true vacation, even from my Celiacs. Thank you Disney for being ....well....you.

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Fear and Loathing in Anaheim

We stayed at the Sheraton Park Hotel in Anaheim. The hotel itself was great, nice pool (with a bar – nothing safer than drinking wine at and then swimming with your children) and the rooms were clean with comfy beds. We could even see the fireworks from our balcony. The first night there, we checked in at and if you read my last post you know that I, at this point, have not eaten proper food since . People in prison have higher blood sugars than I did at that point. So we check in and unpack and get settled and we head down to the Overland Restaurant to eat.

It was a nice hotel restaurant, clean and everyone was very pleasant. When the server came over though, and I gave my set spiel on the Celiac gig, he did a few things that raised red flags.

A)    He said “ya ya ya” . One of two things might have been the problem here, he didn’t know what gluten was and didn’t really care, or he thought I was a crazy person and still didn’t care. Either way “Ya ya ya,” tells me you don’t give a shit.

B)     He didn’t write anything down. Huge problem here. I am always comforted by the server who mumbles “Severe allergy, celiac, gluten….” While scribbling furiously on their note pad. I don’t care if they are actually writing their grocery list or drawing a stick figure and doing the whole act for my crazy ass, that’s fine, just put up the fa├žade would ya?

So Trev reiterates the whole thing, he says, “So you need to talk to the chef and everyone needs to understand what she can and can not have and how to prepare her food.”

And the guy nods again and says “Ya ya ya,” then he does something odd, he points over his shoulder…..at nothing. I’m thinking, what the fuck are you pointing at? The kitchen? The manager? A Gluten Free chef waiting in the wings? WHAT? Then he just walks away. Trev looks at me and with a dead pan face says, “You’re dead meat.”

I try to think positively, I DID send an email to this restaurant, warning of my pending arrival; I received a response from the manager who said he understood and could handle my dietary concerns and to just tell the server upon arrival. Now it's Gluten Free Roulette and I HATE playing that game but sometimes you don't have a choice. You just gotta spin and hope for the best! So we wait for the food and I realize that I am feeling a little dizzy and sweaty now, I need to eat.

Then the server comes back and puts a bowl of tortilla chips on the table. This is the exchange…

“Oh, are those corn torillas? Can I have them” I ask deeply hopeful

“Ya” he nods, I am starting to question this guys vocabulary

“Were they cooked in the fryer with other breaded items?”

“Ya,” he nods.

“So I can’t have them,”

“No,” and he walks away.

The shittiest part is that he smiled through this whole exchange. He was a completely pleasant man who currently was ruining my life.

FINALLY the food comes out and the manager runs mine which was the saving grace through this whole exchange because he puts my plate down and I pull my old, “So that’s a gluten free meal right?” and he started to nod out of habit, but stopped and immediately started shaking his head, reaches for the plate and whisks it back.

He says that I can not have the sauce on the chicken and he didn’t know that I needed a gluten free meal and he was very sorry.

Now, I am not a cry baby, I am not a whiner, I think people who cry over little things are soft in the head to be honest with you but I totally lost it at this point. I had not eaten in 11 hours, I was desperately trying to get my kids to Disneyland that night because we promised them that they would see it, I was exhausted from packing and planning the whole surprise and getting everything done before we go, I felt like I had covered all my gluten free bases and it still wasn’t good enough, and once again my kids cant have a normal meal at a restaurant……and now I have the shakes.

I took a deep breath and said in a quiet, unsteady voice, “I am going to need you to right now, find me something to eat because you see ….. I ….. (whimper) ….. am….. (sniff)…… very……(choke)……hungryyyyy…..(wail). I tried to stop it but the tears just came.

The guy literally looked like he wanted to die, I think I should cry more often because man did it put the spring in his step! In addition to my crying, Trev is seething, I can feel the anger radiating off him. He is really a funny, charming man but at the base, he is deeply protective of me and the spawn and when we are threatened in anyway, he is not a happy camper. Now, someone is making his starving wife cry and that is a really dumb thing to do. I think if the kids weren’t there, and Trev could have said whatever he wanted, the guy might have wet himself at some point. As it was though, a dirty look and my sniveling were enough to flash the entire place into action. The manager sprints back to the kitchen, comes back again to apologize, sprints back to the kitchen and returns with a beautiful chicken, no sauce with fresh veggies and rice. I pounced upon the food like a lioness it was delicious!

Our server finally comes back to the table with a vacant expression on his face. I said with my mouth full of chicken, “my first meal wasn’t gluten free.” He looks shocked, again points over his shoulder and says, “ya ya ya…..” he drifted off after seeing Trev’s  face and thought better of talking anymore. He mumbled an apology and skulked away.

The manager apologized again and again and told us that everything would be taken care of from now on and he didn’t lie about that. The breakfast place Molly’s in the hotel is run by his son who sent people for gluten free bread for me and made me a fresh gorgeous breakfast everyday we were there.

We did make it to Disneyland that night and rode on the swinging ferris wheel at California Adventure Park. I didn’t need the provided puke bags because, you see, I’m a pretty tough bitch….unless of course I am hungry.

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

Our adventure begins....at the Airport

The happiest place on Earth turned out to be the happiest place on earth but getting there sucked ass from a gluten stand point. We did the surprise for the kids which was awesome and they both freaked out and were completely wild animals by the time we got to the airport. In general, I like airports, I used to be a flight attendant and I still like airports.  I think they are these cool places where the energy just speaks for itself. What I recently realized though is that if you can not eat gluten, an airport is no longer the fun, go-to energetic hub bub it is for everyone else. It’s a small piece of hell where good people go to starve the day away. We, for some reason had to head through security right away, a theory I have never understood. If the plane isn’t even coming in for two hours, why the hell do I have to be there? It’s like waiting at a bus stop the night before you work, I don’t get it.


But anyway, we head through security and I figure, that there HAS to be something that I can eat on the other side of the mysterious glass wall. This wall is one of the best things about an airport, crossing this wall literally puts you into another country and unless you want to stay home, you can’t cross back…..ever.  The glass wall separates the people going to cool places from the people going to Saskatoon (no offence I like Saskatoon but Disneyland is cooler) Crossing the glass wall puts you into a special boarding lounge, one that is on American soil and yet is a place where the vendors won’t take American money…again, a black hole of strangeness. But I was confident that if I was being forced to leave my own country three hours early and be trapped in the glass fishbowl of strangeness that there would be SOMETHING for my Celiac person to eat. I wasn’t expecting a gluten free bread pannini or homemade gluten free soup but I felt good about hunting down a bowl of fruit and some nuts. Not so my friends, not so. There is a Harvey’s. Now I really miss Harvey’s hamburgers, I do. I remember that I would have a Harvey’s hamburger once a year because you feel so shitty after eating it that you swear you are never going to eat another one but then you start craving one six months later and it takes you another six months to find the time to eat it. So I am thinking of the Harvey’s hamburger and knowing that I could never have it when I google their gluten free options. Their website says I can have some sort of grilled chicken salad. Sweet, sounds prepackaged so I shouldn’t even have to have a conversation with the beleaguered American/ Canadian person working. The line up is HUGE at the Harvey’s on the American side of the Calgary Airport because of course everyone has to go there three hours before their flights and everyone is starving and everyone wants to eat and leave this stupid airport.

 I make Trev wait in line, (this is why I got married so I don’t have to wait in the shitty line up at airports). I am sitting with the kids who are beyond excited at this point. They really started to freak out at the airport because they figured out it was all for reals. I can’t decide if I am happy or disturbed that they were so suspicious until we actually checked in at the airport. They admitted that they thought Trev and I were going to turn around at some point and head back home with a “TRICKED YOU!” and a howl of laughter. What kind of fucking asshole would do that to a kid anyway? As odd as it seems, I kind of I like that we keep them on their toes, as therapy inducing as that might be. So anyway, Trev suddenly yells over the crowd that Harvey’s are out of salads, out, none, nadda, nothing. I roll my eyes, and of course they offer no other suggestions, God forbid they trap us in the airport and be helpful. BUT I think brightly, there still has to be SOMETHING in this wasteland neutral zone of nothing. I had brought my little collection of granola and trail mix but I was saving those for an emergency later on in the day, not to be depleted ten minutes in!  So I go trolling for something gluten free. I find the two following items.
They were disgusting, don’t write me and tell me that you actually like them or that your Mom eats them all the time or that you know the guy who makes them and he’s awesome, they suck. They are disgusting and if you think they taste good, you have no taste buds. The chip bag is actually totally full in this picture because I ate ONE chip. They had obviously been stored for months if not years so the chips were dry and yet soft which was an upsetting collaboration of textures which did not add to the complete lack of flavor. The peanut thing was ok, but stale as the last serving of popcorn after the late night movie. I don't think it was supposed to break my teeth like peanut brittle. It was all crappy and the worst is that I had to sit there and watch the kids and Trev dig into some Harvey’s hamburgers. And Trev, because he loves me so much, does this little thing every time we get into a situation like this. He gets this revolted look on his face, shakes his head and says “If it makes you feel any better, this tastes awful.” Which helps and it doesn’t. On one hand it helps because I know he gives a crap that he feels bad for me and is trying to make me feel better. This is also a reason I got married, to have a constant make me feel better person following me around. On the other hand I want to slap the hamburger out of his hand and say “IT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! THE WORST HAMBURGER IN THE WORLD IS STILL BETTER THAN THIS OLD STALE PIECE OF SHIT GLUTEN FREE CHIP!” But I don’t because, it would hurt his feelings and I generally try to avoid that and also because the American Airport police that live in Canada but work on American soil would get mad at me and possibly put on a rubber glove and take me out of the glass tank.


Next stop….The Hotel….Stay tuned

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Is it the Happiest Place on Earth?

Tomorrow......Trev and I are winning the coolest parents award. Tomorrow we are taking the Spawn to Disneyland. The BEST part is that they have NO IDEA we are going! We are going to have them called down to the office at school and before they think that someone died and start crying and getting all needing therapy, we are going to tell them they have an appointment.....With Micky Mouse!! It's too exciting. We have been to Disneyland before BUT I didn't know I was Celiac at the time. Thus making eating far easier.


On a Gluten front, it's scary leaving our little bubble of safely, it really is. It gave me pause when I first thought about booking this trip. But I refuse to allow ANYONE to tell me what I can and can not do with my life. And that includes my passive aggressive creepy buddy Celiac. If I get sick, oh well, I get sick, I will live, and learn. The important thing is that I DO LIVE. I live and love everyday and make it my own, no matter where I am, I have to live.

Now I don't want to give you the impression that I am going into this willy-nilly. Hell no, I am, after all....me. So...I have: emailed the happiest place on earth and gotten a list of all the places in the park with Gluten free options and I must say, there is plenty. I have also notified the hotel that I am coming and to burn all their bread in a huge bon fire. I am looking forward to that. I have also asked many people good GF restaurants to eat at in and around the park. The suitcase is half full of cereal, granola bars and snacks that I can eat. It will be full again on the return with princess dresses and Disney crap.

So I think I am ready. If you see my children and they are NOT wearing a "I'm Going to Disneyland" Shirt (Made by Apparel Ink) I beg of you to not mention the trip to them because they don't know yet. IF you ruin this for them, there are places for people like you and I am more than happy to put you there.


So off  we go to do Disney Gluten Free....wish me luck. The Mouse will pay a hefty price if I get poisoned!

Tuesday, 4 October 2011




I have had some WTF is a corn cake questions. This is what corn cakes look like. And this is some of what is left from my hoard.

Monday, 3 October 2011

For the love of Corn Cakes

I am a sucker for a deal. Ok, circle of trust here, I’m not just a sucker, I have concerning issues with getting a deal. I have driven to the other side of the city for cheap ground beef, in no way questioned the freshness of the beef and fed it to my family, thrilled at the 50 cents I saved. I have a problem. I am in no way organized or smart enough to maintain any sort of couponing system which would ACTUALLY save me money, I just buy a bunch of shit I don’t need because I feel like I am sticking it to "The Man". On some level, I realize that it is “The Man” who put the crap on sale and I am the loser who is falling for the schitck….but on another level, I don’t care. I think that heroin must be a lot like a BOGO.

So a few months ago, the spawn and I are buying something or another at Sobeys. It’s a slightly higher end grocery store, they bag the groceries and will carry them out  without an eye roll. Fancy Schmancy heh? So I am dragging the spawn through the store that they don’t want to be in and they are pissed and fighting and Julia is complaining that there isn’t a car cart, like this is the worst day of her life, and Ethan is telling her to shut up about the car cart and I am snarking at him to not say shut up but really thinking, Oh My God Julia shut up about the fucking car cart and why do they only have two car carts anyway they are smack dab in suburbia, do you think that you might see more than one preschooler in the store at once, think ahead Sobeys, you piss me off. Anyway, so I am just walking like 15 feet ahead of them, pretending that they are some other lazy bitch’s kids and we all stop. FULL STOP…..FREEZE.

THE CORN CAKES ARE ON SALE

The Fucking corn cakes are on sale. NOT the rice cakes, rice cakes are for people who just had their stomachs stapled; corn cakes are food fit for a king, or a gluten free queen if you will. They are thin, delicious, portable, come in different flavors, like flax and sunflower and completely gluten free. I make sandwiches out of corn cakes, pizza out of corn cakes, corn cakes out of corn cakes. They are a staple in our pantry, our car, everywhere! And they are on sale for one dollar! ONE DOLLAR. They are usually 3.49!! I will give you a moment to absorb that.

So I lose my shit. Completely lose my shit. The kids did too, it was tremendous. Did you ever see that craptastic game show from the 80s where couples guessed the prices of stuff and then got speedy shopping sprees to fill up their cart with all the cat litter and steak they could while their spouse screamed at them from the check outs? Well, if you don’t remember, I just described it. It was like that. I am screaming at the kids, they are pulling corn cakes at random from the display and piling them in to the cart, frantic, hysterical, chaotic. I am yelling things like “More, More we have to get them all!” and Ethan is saying “Ya Ya Ya” over and over and he piles more and more into the cart. Julia’s eyes are wild and she is so excited she just starts jumping up and down, unable to contain the glee. The best, most extraordinary part about this scene is that NO ONE else wanted the corn cakes. Its not like we were fighting with a melee for the corn cakes, we were totally alone, except for the small crowd that had gathered to witness, most vaguely shaking their heads.

I stop gasping for air, sweating slightly and lean on top of our hoard. “Well done children, well done” I breathe, and regally, with as much class as I could muster, we stalk to the check out.   


I still have most of the corn cakes in my pantry, they are so stale they explode when you bite into them but I still eat them, relishing in the deal of my life.