I am a sucker for a deal. Ok, circle of trust here, I’m not just a sucker, I have concerning issues with getting a deal. I have driven to the other side of the city for cheap ground beef, in no way questioned the freshness of the beef and fed it to my family, thrilled at the 50 cents I saved. I have a problem. I am in no way organized or smart enough to maintain any sort of couponing system which would ACTUALLY save me money, I just buy a bunch of shit I don’t need because I feel like I am sticking it to "The Man". On some level, I realize that it is “The Man” who put the crap on sale and I am the loser who is falling for the schitck….but on another level, I don’t care. I think that heroin must be a lot like a BOGO.
So a few months ago, the spawn and I are buying something or another at Sobeys. It’s a slightly higher end grocery store, they bag the groceries and will carry them out without an eye roll. Fancy Schmancy heh? So I am dragging the spawn through the store that they don’t want to be in and they are pissed and fighting and Julia is complaining that there isn’t a car cart, like this is the worst day of her life, and Ethan is telling her to shut up about the car cart and I am snarking at him to not say shut up but really thinking, Oh My God Julia shut up about the fucking car cart and why do they only have two car carts anyway they are smack dab in suburbia, do you think that you might see more than one preschooler in the store at once, think ahead Sobeys, you piss me off. Anyway, so I am just walking like 15 feet ahead of them, pretending that they are some other lazy bitch’s kids and we all stop. FULL STOP…..FREEZE.
THE CORN CAKES ARE ON
The Fucking corn cakes are on sale. NOT the rice cakes, rice cakes are for people who just had their stomachs stapled; corn cakes are food fit for a king, or a gluten free queen if you will. They are thin, delicious, portable, come in different flavors, like flax and sunflower and completely gluten free. I make sandwiches out of corn cakes, pizza out of corn cakes, corn cakes out of corn cakes. They are a staple in our pantry, our car, everywhere! And they are on sale for one dollar! ONE DOLLAR. They are usually 3.49!! I will give you a moment to absorb that.
So I lose my shit. Completely lose my shit. The kids did too, it was tremendous. Did you ever see that craptastic game show from the 80s where couples guessed the prices of stuff and then got speedy shopping sprees to fill up their cart with all the cat litter and steak they could while their spouse screamed at them from the check outs? Well, if you don’t remember, I just described it. It was like that. I am screaming at the kids, they are pulling corn cakes at random from the display and piling them in to the cart, frantic, hysterical, chaotic. I am yelling things like “More, More we have to get them all!” and Ethan is saying “Ya Ya Ya” over and over and he piles more and more into the cart. Julia’s eyes are wild and she is so excited she just starts jumping up and down, unable to contain the glee. The best, most extraordinary part about this scene is that NO ONE else wanted the corn cakes. Its not like we were fighting with a melee for the corn cakes, we were totally alone, except for the small crowd that had gathered to witness, most vaguely shaking their heads.
I stop gasping for air, sweating slightly and lean on top of our hoard. “Well done children, well done” I breathe, and regally, with as much class as I could muster, we stalk to the check out.
I still have most of the corn cakes in my pantry, they are so stale they explode when you bite into them but I still eat them, relishing in the deal of my life.