Celiacs get charged extra fees for eating out ALL THE TIME.
Some restaurants don’t tell you about it. They especially don’t mention it to the Celiac when that Celiac orders Gluten Free food. The restaurant just adds it to the bill when the Celiac is, gee, I don’t know, with a group of people she doesn’t know that well. When this extra charge is openly questioned on the group bill by the bossy 'I will calculate what we all owe becuase I have a calculator in my ass' person at the table, the server comes over and explains in the most condescending, charitable voice possible that the charge is for the Celiac meal and the entire table looks at you and you start to sweat because something that you didn’t want to be a big deal is now a BIG deal and by sweating you realize that you forgot to put in your chicken cutlets so now you have inconvenienced everybody and you don’t even have plastic boobs to make it better.
(PS Trev says that not everyone knows what chicken cutlets are – they are small soft triangular shaped gel filled bags that those of us who are boobie challenged can slip into our bra’s to fake everyone out - they make me feel like David Copperfield and Dolly Parton at the same time)
(PPS I have had a totally hilarious moment with my chicken cutlets that was witnessed by my friend Leisa. She has been sworn to secrecy. I will only tell you that chicken cutlets are as dangerous as they are enchanted – use with caution)
Back to the blog:
Let me clarify for those of you who may NOT have to pay extra money for having an Autoimmune Disease. The people WITH the autoimmune disease are yelling "GO BITCH GO!" and jumping up and down with giant foam hands and shit like that.
When I go to some restaurants that advertise having Gluten Free options, they charge me extra money. Usually, it’s about three dollars per item but I have been charged five dollars per item.
As a side note, someone told me conversationally, that a blow job in a foreign country is cheaper than a gluten free upcharge here – I promptly defriended him from facebook and took a shower.
Sometimes, restaurants just charge me once but sometimes I get charged for every item I eat. As if ensuring my coffee is gluten free has a fee. “Lady, I avoided our flour waterfall in the back for you, that’s WORTH something.”
So let me break it down for you:
Caesar salad (no croutons) to start $9.00
Gluten Free Pasta (brown rice – retails for 3.49 a pack )
I am told that the sauce is naturally gluten free $16.00
I am charged $3.00 for GF upcharge
The (ALREADY) flourless cake for dessert $ 9.00
I am charged $3.00 for GF upcharge
So my dinner comes to $34.00 (not including a glass of wine)
My upcharges come to $9.00 FOR HAVING A DISEASE
That is a 26% upcharge.
Then I have to tip.
SLOW. FUCKING. CLAP
CHARGING FOR GLUTEN FREE FOOD IS THE SAME AS PUTTING A TOLL BOOTH ON A WHEEL CHAIR RAMP.
It says, you are welcome here, we accommodate your kind…but it will cost you - almost double.
I know that Gluten Free foods (namely breads) are more expensive than normal bread. I know this because I buy it too. I have a whole fucking freezer full. I do know that Gluten Free pasta (either brown rice or corn pasta) is NOT any more expensive than a high end quality pasta. SO YOU AREN'T FOOLING ANYONE ASSHOLES! My business (and most likely my repeat business because I do not have many options for eating out) is payment for the extra five dollars you spend on a loaf of bread that you have to keep in the freezer for a year. Don’t tell me what your food cost is – you should see mine jackass.
and have never charged me an extra penny. This is why we eat there at least once a week.