Tuesday 28 May 2013

Are you sure you can eat that?

Let's talk about this for a second. I have a disease. My disease does in no way effect my instincts for natural preservation. It does not effect my common sense and it doesn't change the fact that I am an adult capable of handling my own affairs.

I find that some people discover I have celiacs and immediately take control of this situation. They think that for some reason I am incapable of handling it myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people who ask me what I can and can not eat. I love it when someone texts me before a party to ask what brand of tortilla chips I can eat. This might be the only thing at the party I can eat and that is totally fine but I love them for caring enough about me to ask.

 I don't however, appreciate people injuring when I am two seconds from biting into something, "Are you sure you can eat that?"

It is the ultimate insult to imply that I am either so careless with my own health or so stupid that I need a wing man for my intestines. I don't know why Celiacs get treated like this, I think it might be the new GF fads that are rocking the western world. I would never imagine asking a diabetic what their blood sugar numbers are before they have a glass of wine or dessert. That would be the height of rudeness. I assume that they have their disease completely under control and if they need my assistance for anything, they will ask. Why then does everyone consider themselves master of my disease?

Everyone who eats gluten free by choice now fancies themselves an expert on being me. Make no mistake, ye who can eat at every party without a care, or who can leave the house for longer than four hours without packing a lunch because you can buy something on the road, or who can eat  every single thing at Tim Horton's - you do not know what it is like to be me and you have no right to claim that you do.

"Are you sure you can eat that?" is a question fraught with passive aggressive tones, none of which are welcome in my world. If I am three seconds from shoving it in my gullet, I am sure I can eat it. If I am mistaken, (which has happened - more than once) I am the one that will suffer, not you. So (as the kids say these days) mind your own fucking business.

Also, some Celiacs can cheat and are willing to do that every once in a while. I understand their desires because if I didn't get so sick that I wished I was dead, I can't tell you I would not have eaten a big mac last week. Who knows? But I can certainly tell you that if i was going to cheat, that would be none of your business either. None, nadda, zip,zero.

It is no more your business what I eat than what you eat is my business. How would you feel if I came up to you while you were mowing down on that bag of chips like it owed you money and asked, "Are you sure you can eat that?" and look pointedly at your slightly large behind. Or what if I enquired after your cholesterol levels while you were ordering extra bacon on your burger? Would you like that? I don't think so.

So keep your expert opinions to yourself. Shower your Celiac with love, not parenting.

And to answer your question, YES I can eat that.
How do you know?
Becuase I am eating it, that's how.

Sunday 12 May 2013

Happy F*&king Mothers Day

Happy F#$king Mothers Day. Yeah, you heard me. Happy F#$king Mothers Day. I say that because I am finding that more and more mothers are ruining this day. This should be a day that we are celebrated and appreciated above others. Somehow, it has become the day that we complain more than any other. It's as if motherhood caught some women off guard. Did you think that growing another person in your torso would feel good? Did you think pushing it out your vagina would tickle? Were you under the impression that this newly formed fetus that now lives with you would come out knowing how to sleep, eat or respect you? Are you fucking nuts? Why are we surprised when a two year old acts like a two year old or a seven year old basically thinks we are assholes. Who told you that teaching another human addition or how to shit in a toilet would be simple? Why do you think, after being a teenager that living with one would be fun?

 Motherhood is hard....get over it. You don't get to bitch incessantly when the job that you signed up for is difficult. You and you constant moaning and whining at parties and self sacrificing facebook updates give the rest of us a bad name. Quit feeling sorry for yourself that you took the best job in the world and turned it into a death sentence.

Because it is. Motherhood is the best fucking job in the world. Why? Because it does suck sometimes that's why. Because if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth having. Because you love your employers so much you want to literally flog anyone who even attempts to hurt their feelings. Because they love you so much that they hate you sometimes and yet still do what you say. Because you get to teach another human being how to walk and how to talk and how to open a pop can. Because you get to feed them anything you want to and take them anywhere your heart desires and they will follow you to the ends of the earth because you are their mother.


Let them spoil you today and be delighted in the hand made things that got pressed into your face this morning when you were supposed to be sleeping in. Read what they say to you because they mean it. This is your paycheck. This is your annual bonus. This is your appreciation luncheon with the department heads. Revel in your greatness, because you are great.

Tonight, we are going out for dinner because mommy doesn't like cooking on Mother's Day. We are going to the Phoenix Grill. I haven't blogged about the Phoenix before and I should have because they are solid. They have a big gluten free menu that includes everything from salads (my fave is the spinach) to tilapia (amazing with a side of quinoa) and BBQ ribs and the food is great. It always comes out fast and hot and I have never been poisoned there. They don't have a kids menu but they really make an effort to accommodate the spawn. The most notable thing about the Phoenix in my opinion is the service. We have never received poor service there, ever. The hostesses are amazing, the managers personable and the servers quirky, funny and knowledgeable. Outstanding people, really. Our fave server is a girl named Mel who remembers us every time we go. She is totally hilarious and knows enough to comment on my little girls nail polish. She's smart and knows her shit when it comes to the food and Celiacs.

So make it down to the Phoenix Grill for lunch or dinner. I'm sure they will be nice to you even if you don't have Celiacs or you are not a Mom.

From now until next mothers day, try really hard not to bitch so much. Especially try not to bitch so much on the internet because one day, your kids are going to read that. They might not get the impression that you thought they were worth it, because I certainly don't get that impression. We all have our moments when this job gets us down and that's when you have to go and get that card they handed you today and read it. Call your spouse or your best friend and talk about your hard day but the next time you have a good day, talk about that too.

 Understand that you took the toughest, best job in the world that you can not retire from. Try to love it more than you love complaining about it.

Happy F#$king Mothers Day

Sunday 5 May 2013

I found this article and I have no idea how I feel about it. Basically, we have to avoid MORE foods GAH! Take a look and let me know what you think. I warn you, half of it looks like they just made up some words.