Sunday 5 January 2014

Cheating Bastards!

I know what they are up to. Yes I do. They think I don't know. They think they have pulled the wool over my eyes. But I am on to them.

My husband Trevor and my friend Natasha have had a thing going for years. They think they've fooled me but they are wrong.

Natasha has been sneaking shortbread to Trevor every Christmas for three years now.

I attempt, every single year to make a GF Shortbread. Every year, I fail miserably. I admit it. GF shortbread fucking sucks. I have tried every different flour and guar gum and xanthum gum and prayer and voodoo tactic that I have come across and every single year it tastes like a ball of shit. Well, no, a ball of shit would stay in one piece, not shatter when you touch it like a pile of snow.

Trevor, being the loving supporting yummy man he is, eats my shortbread. He eats them without fail and without complaint. He even eats the ones I have set aside for the children. That's right, he has thrown himself on the GF sword for his love of our children. That was a tough one to figure out. It took some well placed lights, a sensitive seven year old , dental floss and a Monster High doll named Frankie Stein to get to the truth. I am not proud of the steps I have been forced to take to discover my husband's shady dealings, but I did what I had to do.

Natasha is Scottish and one of my dearest friends. She also makes the best fucking shortbread this side of the English Channel. Bitch.

Every Christmas, she sneaks a container to Trevor and he hides them and eats them when I am not looking. She even has the audacity to throw in some Scottish sausage every once in a while. Selfish bastards. Picture it, it's Christmas time, any time of day really, lets be honest, I lean in for a kiss, Trev tosses me his cheek and I know what has happened. He's been eating Natasha's wares. Dammit.

This year was not an epic fail for the GF shortbread thanks to the progression of Robin Hood Flour but short bread is one of those things that you can't just get close enough. You have to get it just right and it's impossible to get just right. Mine turned out okay, they looked a little grey though which makes them unappetizing. The shortbread was, at best, vaguely acceptable this year, and I'm being generous. Was it as good as Natasha's full of gluten shortbread? Hell No! Will my husband ever admit to this? Hell No!

The thing that I did master this Christmas season was GF Yorshire pudding. I decided to make a roast for Christmas dinner. A choice that caused my Mother to yell, "But we're Catholic!" but still agree to sit and eat. She never clarified why Catholics can't eat beef on Christmas. I doubt she even knows.

The BAD Yorkshire!
 I started trying out the Yorkshire a week before Christmas. It took about four batches and I and ended up melding about three recipes together to get the desired effect. They were good and well enjoyed. I will toss the recipe for those in the recipe section.

The GOOD Yorksire

Don't be afraid to try new things. If you have a craving for something, try it gluten free. What's the worst that could happen? You husband prefers another woman's shortbread? Small price to pay in order to feed your adventurous side. I fail at GF food ALL the time. I'm not going to say that I'm delighted when the buns come out looking like grey hockey pucks that not even the hamster would eat, because that would be a lie. It pisses me off but I keep trying and eventually succeed and I hope you do too.

 If you fail at GF anything that's okay. Pick yourself up and try again. If you are lucky, you will have a husband who is willing to lie to you (terribly) and a dear friend who is willing to reward him for his loyalty to you.


  1. I have a recipe. It has 3 ingredients.

    You can't screw it up.

    No one knows it's gluten free. NO ONE.

    Guess it's time I post it. ;-)

  2. I've been making Brazilian Cheese Bread (Cheepa in Argentina) instead of Yorkies… maybe I should try again.

    People rave about the Cheepa… dead easy in the food processor or blender. I'll send you that one too. ;-)