Monday 16 March 2015

Celiacs Know Things That You Don't....

Celiacs aren't geniuses. Well, I'm sure some of us are. Maybe the guy who invented the Sauna Pants is Celiac. Sauna pants are genius.

 Sauna Pants are a thing and Mother's Day is coming.

But you don't have to be a genius to have Celiacs. Thank God because if that were the case, I would be screwed. I'm pretty clever, but I'm no Sauna Pants inventor.

I saw a thing on someone's Facebook that in order to have diabetes, you have to have a masters in mathematics and patience. All I could think was, thank god I don't have diabetes. In fact, about 10% of Celiacs have diabetes too. Why? Because God has a sense of humor that's why. I am horrible at math...horrible. I should think that Justin Bieber is better at math than I am and he stopped going to school when he was 7 and before that attended in Oakville so he was screwed to start with. None of the last statement was based on fact or even personal knowledge. I just thought the sentence was funny.

I'm not known for my patience either. Ask the lady at the grocery store on Thursday. She was arguing about the cost of a package of toilet paper. It had been advertised at $3.49 cents and it had been rung in at $3.89. The girl behind the counter didn't have the ability, or launch codes to change the price so she was just going to void the item and ring it in by hand. The lady didn't think that this was an acceptable solution. She felt that they were trying to TAKE her. They wanted to suck her into their store with these fancy promises and then fleece her of her hard earned 40 cents. I had no patience for this shit. I reached in my pocket, pulled out two quarters, and slammed them on the counter. She hates me now.

So I'm glad that I don't have to be patient, a math whiz or a genius to have Celiacs.

 However, there are some things that we Celiacs know that the vast majority of the planet do not. Here they are.....

1) Celiacs has to be diagnosed by a doctor. Not Dr. Strangelove or that douche who wears a "I'm a Doctor, take off your clothes" T-Shirt at the mall. A MEDICAL DOCTOR, preferably a Gastroenterologist. You can not decide this for yourself. If you feel better after not eating gluten, you do not necessarily have Celiac Disease.

2) There are no short cuts, there is no way to be a 'little bit Celiac'. Someone told me once that she was 'basically a Celiac too'. Like we were both had the same parole officer or had the same waxer. Saying that you are 'basically Celiac' is the same as being a clingy little roady slut and claiming to 'basically' be in the band. Sorry, unless Ozzy Osbourne is handing you the mic, you aren't in the band and unless you have been diagnosed by a doctor, you don't have Celiacs. Consider yourself lucky on that one.

3) Gluten does not make you fat. It doesn't make you slow or ugly or give you warts. There is no proof that a gluten free diet helps you lose weight.

4) Gluten can do weird things though. Gluten can give us headaches, and strange brain fogs that make us forget our hair color. Gluten can give you nausea, vomiting, gas and diarrhea. It can give you sores inside your mouth and viciously itchy rashes on your arms and legs. Gluten can effect the growth of a child and the growth of your hair. Gluten is a wily bitch.

5) Gluten is everywhere. It really is. It hides in every restaurant you have ever been to. It is in soy sauce and cereal and crackers and breads. Gluten lives in canned soup and pre-made,,,,anything. Some bacon has gluten in it, most sausages, some cheese. It's in beer and rye and burbon. It's in sauces and pastas and every single convenience food there is. It lives in some ice cream and gummy bears. It's in some makeups and face creams and candy canes. Everything fried. GAH!

6) Celiacs know how to read labels. We read labels on everything. A Celiac can read a label faster than Superman can get naked in a phone booth. We know the long and involved list of garbage that resides in food and which ones of those contain gluten. We know to scan for Xanthum Gum first because if something has Xanthum gum in it, it usually means that it doesn't have gluten.

7) We know how long a loaf of bread has been sitting in the freezer at the grocery store. You aren't getting anything over on us. We know that Udi's should not have icicles or look like a polar bear den.

8) We know you think you are an expert on our disease. We know you are wrong. Please don't tell me what I can or can not eat. Please don't tell me you know how horrible it is because you get gas when you eat red peppers.That must be terrible for you. You poor baby.

9) Being Celiac is an inconvenience. But that is ALL it is. There are plenty of worse diseases out there. We don't have to take a bunch of creepy medicines or pump our bodies full of poisons, we have to cut out gluten and that is something we are actually grateful for every day.

10) We know that Sauna Pants are the stupidest thing we have ever seen and yet we secretly want a pair. See? We are just like everyone else.


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