Tuesday 30 August 2011

My Fat Ass

A lot of people ask me if I have lost weight after going Gluten Free. My answer is usually a strong punch in the neck. You see, I have always been a slim girl, one of those that can pretty much eat most of what she wants to and feel little effects from it. Turns out that because of the Celiac, my body wasn’t absorbing most of the nutrients I put into it which contributed to the lack of girth. Granted, after I had my spawn I had to work at it a bit but really, slim has always been my all around shape. But it didn’t stay that way after I dropped Gluten from my diet. Not at all.

Recently, I was buying a Gluten Free cookie mix at a Safeway (which usually have a pretty gloomy, dusty GF section but I found one on sale) and the check out girl named “Kylee” stops smacking her gum for thirty seconds to inform me that her friend “Kaylee” went all “gluten free” and didn’t lose any weight so I should just give up on the whole idea “cuz if it didn’t work for Kaylee, it’s not going to work for a ‘lady’” such as myself. Poor Kylee went home crying that day… unfortunate thing.

But I do have a confession to make…after going Gluten Free...brace yourself reader…my ass fell. I am not being coy or silly, but literally, my ass fell down… like several inches. It was peculiar really. I was trying on a dress that I have worn many times. It’s my go-to wrap dress that works well at every occasion; if the Queen showed up on my doorstep with her Corgis demanding some tea, I would run upstairs and throw on this dress and yet I have also worn it on a hot day at the beach. So I slip into my dress and tie it up and turn around in the mirror and gasp. My ass is a completely different shape, and not in a good way, in an old lady, you should be wearing navy polyester on it kind of way. My poor butt is flat on top and all draggy and bunchy at the bottom.

 “What the fuck happened to my ass?” I yell (and yes, it is entirely possible my children heard me, go judge a Mom who cares what you think).

Trev BARELY looks up from tying is tie and muffles “Hmmm hmm”.

“Are you nodding?” I accuse, “Or just being non committal?” I can’t look at him because I am at this point, standing on a chair, poking my posterior with a lip gloss tube and shaking my head in repulsion.

“Hmmm Hmm,” he says again and when I whip around to get a straight answer,  suddenly he is gone….like gone, gone, like I think he was sitting in his truck waiting for me, gone.

How could this have happened? I stare at my backside, willing it to take its old curvature but it doesn’t, it just lays there all limp and heartbreaking. And I come to the awful conclusion that I did this to myself.

Yup, this was a case of a completely self inflicted ass fall.

You see, I don’t get treats often. I used to grab a chocolate bar in the check out aisle at Superstore because I deserved it. (I generally compare a visit to Superstore accompanied by two children with a visit to the 7th circle of Hell). But that isn’t always an option now. There is sometimes NOTHING that I can eat at a party or certainly not at a bakery or a candy store or ice cream store. So, when I get my grubby little mitts on something delicious, sinful and of course free of the wicked Gluten, I eat it. I eat it like it owes me rent. I eat it like it’s a competition and there is money to be won. After all, I figure, I DESERVE this, I can’t eat GLUTEN for petes sake…. And so I eat it, then I eat some more and more and more.

Examples of this blatant gluttony include but are not limited to:

 Baking an entire box of gluten free chocolate chip cookies and then eating the entire batch over the course of 48 hours. My children and husband know not to touch Mommy’s cookies; they are MOMMY’S cookies and more precious than all our other possessions combined. I am considering convincing the children that GF cookies taste like soap to ensure their safety.

There is a Gluten Free bakery on 90th Ave and they have these fantastic chocolate lava cakes. I got one once, ate it in the car, then went and bought two more and then ate those in the car. I was shame eating, no doubt about it and if it wasn’t so enjoyable I would have hated myself a little. - In my defense, I am not only addicted to Gluten but addicted to chocolate as well. I have a problem, so what?-  

A box of Gluten Free Cookies from the grocery store can be eight dollars for six cookies; seriously, I think pound for pound a human liver on the black market is more affordable. So when my charming friends host a party and pay good money for these cookies so I have something to enjoy, is it not my DUTY to eat them….all? It would be rude not to right? Right? So I eat all the delicious Gluten Free goodness and lick the plate like a good guest.

The result of these little episodes is a fallen ass. But one must mitigate the damages; I have upped my yoga regime and TRY very hard to curb my enthusiasm at the treat table and maybe it’s making a difference, maybe not. At some moments I have seriously considered that there might be a correlation between my general contentment and the sag in my ass. It seems that, the baggier the butt, the happier the gal because really, life is short, with or without Gluten so I gotta live a little.

Trev just told me my ass looks great. I’ll make him an eye appointment… after I polish off these cookies.


  1. Your blog is such a blessing to me. I found out I have Celiac's with DH (yeah, I'm one of the "lucky ones" who knows because of this crappy rash; "lucky" me!). To be honest, I'm a little pissed at the situation, at people who think they know more than I do, at my husband even who sometimes insinuates that my eating certain things shouldn't be such a "big deal" even though I cannot confirm that they are gf, and with people who just don't get it. Your blog is the first thing I've read since having to go gluten free that sounds like it is written by someone who really "gets" how shitty this is. Yes, we are "lucky" it isn't cancer, bla, bla,, bla, but it sucks and it is just good to know that my feelings are shared. Thank you, thank you, thank you, and my ass is falling too by the way...for exactly the same reason. Trade offs, right?

    1. Oh you are so kind! Thank you for writing something. Yes...the whole thing is shitty and I often struggle with a silver lining but I find one every once in a while....mostly when drunk or after eating a block of cheese.

      Much Gluten Free Love

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