Thursday, 24 May 2018

Mommy Decisions...The Ultimate Punch in the Throat

Oh Fuck You Lady and your little apron! I love the book and the lipstick, when do moms use those things? 


Motherhood is all about decisions. Despite their appearance at being small or insignificant, these decisions can have lasting effects on your life and happiness. One wrong move Momma, and you will pay! In addition, these decisions don't follow the rules of the universe. Every action does not have an opposite and equal reaction. Fuck that. Tell a toddler that they have to wipe their face and you will NOT see an equal reaction. Every action you make as a mom could have a thousand consequences, and you have no idea which ones will leave an indelible mark on your psyche. As mothers, we have to be able to predict, run scenarios like a pro-football coach and know, with Nasa like precision, what the result will be. Think I'm being dramatic?

Here's a scenario, for you doubters. You are at a party with your family, and (God Forbid) having fun. You want to stay forty minutes later. Forty fucking minutes. Ahhhh but this will have consequences. This decision sets your mommy mind on fire. This late bed time will lead to an extra feeding for the baby in the night and an extra diaper change too, are we out of diapers? Shit, we are running low for sure. Why did I make the decision to skip Walmart on the way home yesterday? Oh yeah, because I made the decision to let the kids fall asleep in the car. Okay, so back to the forty minutes, the baby may sleep in that extra forty minutes (which, let's be fucking honest here, is fairly unlikely) or will wake up exactly eighty minutes earlier than their already stupid 5:30am wake up. They will wake up that eighty minutes early, grumpy and tired, and most likely wearing a tea towel as a diaper. That puts tomorrow's play group in danger. How am I going to get the house vacuumed so the babies don't eat the dust bunnies? If I vacuum while my grumpy baby screams, I will feel like a horrible mother but the drowning out of the sound by that point might be welcome. Oh, and crap, the laundry is sitting wet in the washer, getting moldy and gross. I forgot to change it yesterday because I was trying to figure out what we were going to eat for dinner that wasn't baby mum mums. I will have to change it over tonight when I get home but if I do, it will for sure wake the baby who (because he was put to bed forty minutes late) will sleep so lightly that a fucking butterfly farting will wake him up, if I can actually get her to sleep, which most likely I won't.

I'm not shitting you people...this is very accurate.

And it never ever stops. Decisions to ask your tween to clean her room take the consideration of a UN negotiation. What to make for dinner that they will eat, what sport to put them in, what chore to give them, should I let them play video games for three hours when they've played outside for six? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!

I've been a mom for over fourteen years now and I can tell you that I have never, not once, gone to bed and thought 'nailed it'. Because you can't. You can't win, you can't nail it. You can't. So stop trying. What you can do is make decisions based on your gut and know that they might be the wrong decision, and that it is okay. It is totally okay to fuck up being a mom. It will be fine. Trust me.

I want you to make one, very important decision. Find some mom friends. Kind, understanding, giving mom friends who admit to fucking up being a mom, won't judge you for fucking up being a mom, and who you can laugh about those fuck ups with. I have done such a thing, I have some pretty amazing mom friends. For Mother's Day weekend, we decided to take a night away in beautiful Canmore, Alberta and dear lord, it was glorious.

The main thing about my friends, is that they truly, give a shit about my Celiacs. Sometimes more than I do! Why? Because they give a shit about me, and that's an important point about motherhood too. Find people that put you first, not always, but when it matters. On this weekend, it mattered. My girlfriends found restaurants that I could eat at, no, not just eat at, but indulge in. They made it very clear that my Celiacs was a factor and those bitches weren't going anywhere that I couldn't go. See? Good decisions right? So, we arrive Friday night and get dressed for Tapas.

Tapas is my new happy place. It feels exclusive without being snooty, feels luxuriant without feeling pompous, and holds up it's ranking on being one of the best restaurants in the province. We were greeted by Niall, a charming, unassuming, sever who, through his constant attention, made it clear that his only focus was us relaxing and enjoying each other and the incredible things that Tapas had to offer. And man did they deliver. I wanted to eat everything Gluten Free that they had to offer but, I couldn't do it. There were simply too many choices. In addition, Niall knew almost everything I could have. I had the shrimp, the olives, the duck and the beets. I know, it sounds like a lot but because of the expert pacing of the meal, I didn't even feel like I had over indulged. The meal was, in a word that moms should never use, perfection. It was brilliant. Celiacs, you must go, you must relax and you must understand that they deeply, understand your disease and how to help you forget it for the time that you are with them. For me? Tapas was the best decision I could have made.

The Gambas

The Smoked Duck


The rest of the night can not be mentioned under the fifth amendment but really, it involved a lot of wine and laughter in our jammies.

For brunch the next day, we indulged at Chez Francois that offered me gluten free Eggs Benedict. Oh my heart, it was amazing. The service was great and the mimosas were delicious, if not a little pricey.

The afternoon was spent at Rapunzel's Spa. I almost get teary eyed at the level of care and love that we were shown at Rapunzel's. Four moms who all work full time, have two children each, handle sports, and dinner, and laundry, and school volunteering, and cleaning, and groceries, and laundry (yeah, I know I said it twice, it sucks that bad), and gardening, and travel, and paperwork, and annual passes, and baseboard dusting, and vaccination schedules (vaccinate people), and every other little (and big) decision, were given three blissful hours that were without decisions. It was such a precious gift and I, more than anything, reveled in the glory of watching my mother tribe get the spoiling, they so much deserved.

Dinner on Saturday was at the Hogshead on Canmore's main street. We somewhat stumbled across it as we were wandering around in the afternoon and we couldn't be happier with this choice. My friend Karin looked at the menu posted outside and noticed that they had Care Bakery flatbread  and, because she is a part of my Mom tribe, knew that I have a special place in my gluten free soul for Care Bakery products. We went back there after the spa, all shiny faced and weak-limbed and we were served by the charming Alex. She knew her gluten free stuff and made sure my food was safe and my wine kept flowing. This final meal kept the indulgence alive with Duck Fat Fries (yeah that's right, duck fat). I crushed the Alberta Meat Flatbread on the amazing Care Bakery dough and could not have been more content if I tried.
My Alberta Meat Flatbread
(Note that I had started eating when one of my friends reminded me to take a pic for this blog. These bitches have your backs too people!)


Our Mommy trip to Canmore was an indulgence for sure, especially for this Celiac. I have a hard time putting myself first. Sometimes it's because I'm a Mom and sometimes because I feel very uncomfortable when my Celiacs effects those around me. The thing that made it all the better was making the decision to allow myself to put me first and to allow my friends to put my Celiacs first.

It must be said here, that we did not leave our children alone with a bucket of chicken, to survive without us. We left our kids with our competent, amazing, husbands. These guys step up everyday and make our mommy lives infinitely easier and happier. There wasn't an inch of guilt or bitching  from the men in our lives about us taking the weekend, because we made good decisions there too. Thanks to our baby daddy's. We love you. As an extra bonus, this is going to be an annual tradition so you never have to think of another Mother's Day gift, ever. You...are....welcome.

I've made some really horrible decisions as a mom, and I'm going to do it again, and again, and again. That's okay. life is about mistakes, not about perfection. I am so proud of my Mother's Day decision to put myself and my mom tribe first so that we were in a better place to make mom decisions and fuck up in the year to come.

 There is no winning in motherhood, but our trip to Canmore was as close to that as you could get.

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