Remember when I said that I wouldn’t talk about poop? Well, I kinda lied. Wait, wait, don’t click off, WAIT. I still have no intention of discussing the specific details of poop, I have my standards, however, I went to the doctor yesterday and something has happened that I am not content about and of course you need to be discontented with me. So I go to the doctor and it’s a new family doctor for us, this is not the guy who diagnosed my Celiacs so of course we discuss that and he seems pretty well informed on the whole thing which was comforting. So he starts asking about the family history with Colon Cancer and there have been a couple so then he says although studies have shown that there isn’t a direct link between colon cancer and Celiacs, with my family history, it’s a good idea to start screening. Screening, this is the term he uses, I immediately envision a red carpet, a screen with pretty pictures and me in a new dress. Not so.
Doc “I want to send you for an Occult Test”
Me, “I’m Caltholic”
Doc, “So you need to have one every year and then starting at 40 you will have to have the barium tests”
Me “So the barium tests in 10 years”
Me “Med school taught you math too hey?”
Me, “So, um this test it’s um a blood test then?”
Doc, smiling "No"
Me, “What is it testing for?”
Me, “I’m confused”
Doc, “It is testing for blood in your stool”
Doc, “You should have this test but I should make it clear that I don’t think we will find anything”
Me, “Can they do the test with my clothes on?”
Doc , “Well…..it’s not like that”
Me “So it’s over the phone”
So he hands me a baggy. Inside the baggy is some paperwork, pieces of card board and three Popsicle sticks. This thing SCREAMS home craft kit and my soul dies a little. I shake my head.
Doc, “Would you rather have cancer?”
Me, “Let me think about it”
Doc, straight faced, “funny”
Me, “I am going to blog about this”
Doc, “You go ahead and do what ever you want but get the test done.”
So here I am looking at the contents of the baggy more closely. Do you know what the instructions start with? CONGRATULATIONS so I think I have won something, this was all a ruse, I actually was the 1000 customer at the lab and now I get an iPad or a dirt bike, neither of which I would use but I WON. But that’s not what it is, they faked me out, I have not won anything. I am considering writing a letter of complaint.
"CONGRATULATIONS you have taken a positive step towards staying healthy." Let me make it clear that I am not signing up for a zuma class and I didn't switch to soy milk, it’s a poop test. Then on the back of the false congratulatory letter is detailed pictures about how to “Collect a sample”. It has little squares with pictures of the same guy who is on airplane signs and high voltage warning labels only this time he is sitting on a little toilet. I hope he got paid more for the high voltage signs.
Then it goes into detailed step by step instructions that are upsetting but really, self explanatory so I won't copy the whole thing. I will however share my favorite step with you:
Step 5 - Throw away the wooden stick
Thank you. I wouldn’t have thought of that.
So I am looking at the kit and I looked at Trev and said, “This sucks”
Trev Replied, “I ask only that you label everything as clearly as humanly possible.”
“Will do,” I said with a sigh. But I didn’t move, I don’t know if I can do this one. Don’t worry dear reader, you won't know if I do or if I don’t but I still look back at step 5 and sigh.
Celiac Disease, the gift that keeps on giving you the shudders.