Tuesday 1 May 2012

Stupid is as Stupid Does


/ [stoo-pid, - adjective, stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est, noun


lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.


We have all done stupid things. Of course it is far more enjoyable to WATCH someone do stupid things. Case in point : The Three Stooges or Jackass. We love these things because they make us feel better about ourselves.

You watch as three men cannot carry a ladder without damn near killing themselves and you turn to your friends and say, “see? We aren’t the dumbest assholes in the world.”

You watch a guy snort wasabi up his nose and think, “Holy shit, I am the smartest Motherfucker in the world”

It doesn’t even have to be on TV.  Put your hand up if you watched some stupid drunk ass lady decide to stand up and sing at a wedding. You giggle with glee as she wrestles the mic away from the MC, wipes sweat from her brow and sways (not with the music) while belting out her own rendition of “I will always love you”.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

However, it’s not so great when YOU are the stupid one. It’s not good at all. Now don’t get all Deepak Chopra on me and say something like, “I have no regrets. I embrace all my mistakes with the clarity of my astrological sign”.

Shut up you liars. Don’t tell me that you don’t regret the time you thought a shopping cart was a clever mode of transportation. AND you intensely regret eating that “meat” burrito from the van under a bridge. Don’t lie, you do.

And I regret getting lazy. That’s me, lazy and stupid, well, I was for a short moment. I am generally a keen and astute human being but Saturday night, I had a brief relapse in my intelligence and I became deeply stupid.

We have been eating out a lot lately because we are getting our kitchen renovated. My new kitchen is going to be a stunner, but currently, looks like something that just suffered at the hands of looting rioters. So, on Saturday I took the youngest Spawn out for a girls dinner. We have gone to this particular restaurant many times and I have NEVER had a problem. The servers know us there, they know I have Celiacs and they have always taken excellent care of us. I ordered a soup and Caesar salad which is something that I have never ordered there before.

When it arrived, I broke one of my own rules. I didn’t make sure it was Gluten Free. My own server ran it out, I know he knows that I have Celiacs, I have literally eaten dinner at this same place for the last three days so…I got stupid and I got lazy and I didn’t double check.

There were no croutons on my salad so I (STUPIDLY) assumed that the little white triangles tucked around the salad were a rice wafer or GF bread (both of which they have served me at this restaurant).

I was stupid – hit me in the face with the shovel…I ate one.


The server came by and when I asked what these delicious little triangles were, he looked completely horrified and almost yelled, “you can’t eat that!”

Stupid Stupid Stupid Me

They could NOT have apologized more. They packed up the Spawns spaghetti and let me run out the door without paying before I got sick. They were so very sorry. And I appreciate how much they cared.

 But really, whose fault was it?

Yes, the chef put the bread on my salad after making sure that it had no croutons. Maybe a manager checked the bill too before it went out. The server took the salad out to me and put it in front of me.

But who’s responsibility is it after all?

Me stupid, that’s who.

I am responsible for what goes into my body, it’s my job to make sure what I eat is safe. Yes, we have to rely upon others to feed us at times but ultimately, it is our obligation to keep ourselves out of trouble.

And man was I EVER in trouble. I have ever only had Cross contamination problems since my diagnosis. I haven’t actually eaten bread for fuck sake.

*side note for the non-Celiacs out there. The longer you are away from Gluten, the worse your reaction is*

I almost went to the hospital even though I knew that there was nothing they could do for me there. I deeply felt like I was in serious medical danger - that I was injured and should be under someone’s medicinal care. It was really really bad. I would never go into the details because let’s be honest, you don’t care but I can tell you that I am at day 3 and it still feels like someone is stabbing me in the gut when I eat anything. Good times.

Stupid is as stupid does. Learn from my regret. Always, every time, no matter what, ask what you are being served. If you don’t, I have a shopping cart with your name on it.

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