I have decided that I spend a lot of time on here talking about the shitty (pun unintended) part of having Celiac’s. So I think it’s time that I talk about the good parts of having it.
I don’t have to eat anything I don’t want to. No one REALLY knows what gluten is so if I tell them something has gluten in it, they believe me and then I don’t have to eat it.
Here are the things I claimed had gluten in them so I wouldn’t have to consume them. Some ACTUALLY have gluten, some do not, most I have no fucking idea what they are made of:
§ One of those jello “salads” with marshmellows and other creepy things inside (possibly Barbie doll parts)
§ Fruit cake - I know that there is most likely flour in it but anything that can last 25 years “if wrapped properly” is inedible for many reasons
§ Split Pea Soup – self explanatory
§ Those gummy candies that are “molded” to look like other shitty food – hot dogs, nachos
§ Any cheese that was never in a solid form or that came in a tube or that doesn’t have to be refridgerated
§ I have told people that any meal containing an animals feet have gluten in them
§ Yogurt – because for some reason I have NEVER liked yogurt
§ Pickled protein (eggs, herring etc etc etc)
§ I turned down Meth once and to NOT anger the Meth dealer, I claimed it wasn’t Gluten Free and I would get a tummy ache while cleaning the house with a toothbrush
BUT a lot of stuff IS Gluten free
o Cheese (mostly the stuff that comes in a wheel form)
o The Maury Povich Show (I know who MY babies Daddy is)
o Pump Shoes
o All things made at PEOPLE FOOD (yummy)
o Dancing with Buttered Lobsters
o Diamonds are Gluten Free (Trevor)
o Babies (other peoples babies…and not to eat) I have purposefully surrounded myself with child bearing women so I have baby snuggle time on a regular business (psst – don’t tell them, they think I like their “personalities”)
o Sleep is Gluten Free
o Roller Coasters
o And LAST but NEVER LEAST – Jersey Shore is Gluten Free
I know that having Celiac’s (or any medical issue) is constantly annoying, but don’t forget to keep your eye on the big picture. Whining about your ailment isn’t going to make it go away and despite what you may think, it won’t make you feel better about it either. Don’t forget to think of the worthy things - the things you CAN have. Most medical issues aren’t contagious so try not to complain so much that you stop being fun to be around. No one will EVER understand the challenges you face in your everyday, stop trying to tell them and try asking them about their day.
The most important thing to remember is that Happiness is Gluten Free…dose on a regular basis.