Saturday 17 March 2012

I Am In Recovery....sort of

I have discussed this before. I have a problem with bread. I am an addict. Plain and simple. Every other Celiac blog out there (which may be what some people call 'informative' but aren't funny so just read this one) tells me that I will stop missing bread. They are vague on the time it takes for this magical moment to arrive and therefore I think they are all liars. I think not missing bread is a myth like unicorns and unbiased news reporting on FOX. Seasoned Celiacs have been without bread for like fifteen years and maybe they have just forgotten how great a piece of glutened goodness is.  

 I just woke up from a dream where I was lying in a hammock eating naan bread. It could have had talking monkeys and Ryan Gosling in it and I would never have known. It was all about the bread. Bread is what I dream about, it’s sad, it’s true, I promised you honestly. I still see commercials for Tim Horton’s breakfast sandwiches and drool and man I would love a croissant with my morning coffee right now. And I KNOW that reasonable facsimiles of these products are readily available (for triple the price and half the flavor) without gluten. But my addict brain cannot be fooled and realizes that a gluten free donut is like methadone and while pretty good, isn’t EXACLTY the same. We addicts need it to be exactly the same sometimes.

We need to have some sort of recovery group for bread addicts. We all sit around and talk about the many ways we have shamed ourselves over bread. I could talk about the day that we went to the Cattle Barron and I ate a hunk of sour dough bread the size of my head while all the other ladies ate salads. I am, if nothing else, a classy gal. Or that when my heart was broken as a teen I didn’t want ice cream, oh no, I would eat seven pieces of toast. Or the many times I went to the Grey Eagle Casino, not to gamble but to eat Bannock by the bucket-full? Dark Days but I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could.

Maybe there could be some sort of brain washing therapy? They could put up pictures of breads and then shock our chairs until we realized bread means pain. Of course that’s what having Celiacs is all about; eating bread causes pain and that really hasn’t deterred my cravings. What if there was a medication that made it so that every time we ate bread, we puked….oh wait… that’s what happens with Celiacs sometimes too. Or that if we ate bread we had to stay in bed for three days….wait…that too is a byproduct of my Celiacs.

So I guess Celiacs is the best deterrent for my bread addiction and it still isn’t working.   

Pre-emptive response letter to the previous paragraphs.

Dear Stupid Person who hates me and yet reads my blog obsessively,

I apologize that you were offended that I equated bread addicts with the serious diseases of substance abuse. I in no way meant to belittle the grave afflictions associated with addictions to drugs and alcohol. It was meant to be a humorous satire and I am sorry if I offended you.

Please don't stop reading, just stop sending me angry and/or passive aggressive letters

Bunches of punches in the neck :)


So I’m a bread addict….still. I will let you know when that changes.  If someone hears about a bread addict recovery group, let me know. Maybe I will just start one myself, we can get blind wasted and talk about bread. (Read letter above)

No comments:

Post a Comment