Let's talk about my buns!

I didn’t think that I would miss hamburgers. I really didn't. I never considered myself a hamburger lover. I mean, I liked them and all but if given the choice at a restaurant I usually never chose a burger. I DO have to say though that despite the many people against it, I crave a Big Mac every once in a while. I know that the arguments continue that it is made with sawdust and they just called the company 100 % Beef, or that the special sauce is formaldehyde left over from the local funeral home or the bun is made of baby skins. I know I know, McDonalds is as bad for our society as heroin. I get it. I have however, come to realize that good eating mixed with good living must have a level of moderation. You can’t eat only broccoli for the rest of your life any more than you can eat only Big Macs.

            You may get out your mommy judgment pitchforks and begin shaking your head in tsking horror right away because I am going to piss your self-righteousness right off. I let my kids eat McDonalds. I also got an epidural with both of them which means to some of you that I broke them long ago so really what different does it make? Anyway, they know it is what we call a “sometimes food” they get it a couple times a month and they love me more so judge away.  And I MISS a Big Mac.

            My search for a GF Hamburger bun started over a year ago and to this day it continues.  When we were on vacation on the Bahamas and the fabulous chefs there made me a gluten free hamburger bun. It was almost impossible to chew and yet fell apart when I picked it up. I need to say though that the food at the Sandals Royal Bahamian was the best food I have ever eaten and despite the fact that I ate there for an entire week, I did not get sick once. Their perfection in everything else and the epic failure with the hamburger bun makes me think that the buns are impossible.

            I tried buying hamburger buns at a GF Bakery. They were nine dollars for four buns. Let that sink in for you. It was NINE DOLLARS for FOUR hamburger buns. So they have to be good right? Wrong. Fast forward to sitting around the campfire and trying to eat my lovely burger on my new $2.25 bun, after one bite, I am holding just the meat in my hand, at my feet is a neat triangle of powder that used to be my bun. So when I got my new cook book with a recipe for hamburger buns, I HAD to try it. Why? I don’t know. Even though a 5 star chef and a professional GF baker couldn’t make me a hamburger bun I thought I would give it a go. I can’t explain why I am so stubborn, maybe it’s all the formaldehyde I ate before I was diagnosed.

            So I made the GEM Flour Mix which I have to say is delightful and makes a gorgeous loaf of bread. I just don’t think ANYTHING could best the wilily hamburger bun. With the GEM flour mix, I make some lovely hamburger buns. Then I make some coleslaw and sweet potato fries and grill up some burgers.

            The first bite was great, the texture of the GEM flour mix is excellent and it has a lovely flavor. But after that first bite, it turned into a powdery paste that just crumbled under my hand. It was sad. It’s the trickey hamburger bun, it is unbeatable. But I rallied and grabbed a fork and ate it that way. In the big scheme of things, a hamburger isn’t the end all be all. But I do miss a delicious heavy, massive burger so I will keep trying, as pathetic as that is.  What can I say? I’m a stubborn gal.  Meanwhile, I am still going to let the spawn eat McDonalds every once in a while, shake your head again, quickly and call your friends, they will be as equally outraged.

            I continue my search… a girl can dream. Maybe I will get an epidural WHILE making a hamburger bun - that should do it.

Someone I voted for won!

The GF Awards have been handed out and here is the winner of the best GF Bread. I don't know how this pretty lady got my tiara but I am going to need that back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrAFS_6Fsnw

THANK YOU!

I haven't really said a proper thank you to everyone for reading and I feel like I should. I have to come to the realization that it isn't just my brothers and husband clicking on this link over and over again to bring the numbers that it is bringing. I would like to thank everyone for all the wonderfully kind personal messages that you have sent me telling me that you like the blog.

Thanks to all those in other countries who read this namely:

United Kingdom
Phillipines
Russia
Brazil
Australia
New Zealand
Germany
France
United States

And of course a massive thanks to all my lovelies in Canada who read more than anyone.

I love you - thank you for hearing my crazy

OUCH!

This post is not really about Celiac. It will also be short for reasons you are about to understand. In September, I had an incident where my vision went funny in my right eye, my right hand went numb and I was unable to speak for a few moments. I was pretty freaked out especially after I went to see my doctor and he freaked out. I was sent to a neurologist because they thought I had a warning stroke. It was terrifying. This was the same week that we were taking the kids to Disneyland (read previous posts). It was slightly funny that I had to call my travel insurance people and say things like,

"So, total hypothetical here, what if I was on the Dumbo ride and I have, say, gee, I don't know, a stroke? What then?" and listen to the instructions.

"And what if, and I am just pulling random ideas here, what if the night before we leave I, well, lets just stick to the same thing, I have a stroke? What then?"

The neurologist got me in the day before we left. He was not a pleasant fellow which made him seem even smarter. He actually looked a lot like one of those old guy Muppet's but without the cuddly cute factor. BUT he told me that I didn't have a stroke, I had a migraine. Well, he didn't really speak to me, he spoke to his resident, this mousy little child that was apparently a doctor. I thought she was going to throw up she was so nervous and she wasn't even finding out if she was a victim of a stroke!

He turned to little miss moppet and says, "Tell me why the patient (that's me) DID NOT have a stroke." and she actually whimpered in terror. I didn't care about the reasons, only that I didn't have one.


I found the migraine part odd because my head didn't even hurt that much, my neck did, but he said a migraine isn't a bad headache, it's a strange headache. Again, due to the lack of personality with which this info was given, I was more than happy to believe him.

So I bloody well skipped out of the hospital and headed off to Disneyland without a backward glance.

Well, it has happened again. I had the same thing happen on Thursday and it has been coming and going for three days now.  With this round though, I have discovered that my cousin has the same type of migraines which is actually a little comforting. She told me what pain reliever she uses and it's GF Thank God. So that has helped a little.

I am still pissed off about the whole thing.

I have enough times that I have to take to bed and be an invalid with Celiacs, I don't need another reason with migraines. I don't want my kids memories of me when they grow up to be that "mom was always sick" or "mom was always in bed" that is the OPPOSITE memory I want for them. When they gently crawl into bed and whisper "Good night mommy, I love you. Feel better so we can play tomorrow." I want to die inside. They deserve better than that. They deserve better than I can give them right now.

I despise the attention I get when I am sick, I want to punch someone in the face if they pay too much attention to me, or if they try to boss me back to bed, namely Trev. I also hate it though when no one pays enough attention to me and I feel like no one understands that I am in pain. I feel like a bag of shit and would it kill you to have a little sympathy? But not too much sympathy because then I feel like an asshole. So, ya, balance the sympathy while trying to run the house with a C-U-Next-Tuesday living in it.

So basically I have been a raging bitch for the last few days and I have made it very difficult to be around me. It seems a little better today. I still woke up with images that my eyes must be bleeding and someone was driving a wooden stake down my neck. The screen is also making me want to vomit so I have to go.

I am sure this will pass, as all things do. If you don't hear from me for a bit, it's possible that Trev has smothered me in my sleep. I gotta be honest, I wouldn't blame him if he did. I would have killed me days ago.

That's why I am married to him, he doesn't murder me when I most deserve it.

You are what you bake! The Class!

For my birthday this year, my lovely best friends/sorority sisters, Ashley and Letishia bought me a gift certificate for a GF baking class. So Monday night, despite the glacially cold meteorological conditions, I drove downtown to the Cookbook Co. (722 – 11 Ave SW) In there is a wicked cooking store that has everything from gadgets and aprons to truffle oil and fine wine. In the back is a brightly lit room for the cooking classes. 

I do have to say, because I always promised to be honest, that the staff at the Cookbook Co were not the most pleasant. No one greeted me, or looked in any way happy to see me. When I inquired to the first person I saw wearing an apron as to whether or not I was in the right place, she just stared at me and pointed to the sign on the wall that stated the name of the class. Her face could not be more clear, “can you read lady?” They did offer me coffee but when one lady brought it, the other one just pointed at me and said, “that one wanted coffee”. They weren’t very smiley or pleasant and certainly not very helpful to our instructor. They just really didn’t seem to want to be there.

However, our instructor was Wendy Turnbull who is the author of, “Gems of Gluten Free Baking.” Wendy was charming and affable. She was a little nervous which made her all the more delightful in my opinion. She also knew her stuff. Being Celiac for over 30 years means that Wendy has baking down to a science and so she wrote a book about it. I highly recommend “Gems of Gluten Free Baking” – she has developed a mixture of flours called “Gem Flour” that seems to work for almost everything. The recipes have simple, normal ingredients and make delicious food.

So as I was sitting there, I noticed that everyone was in pairs, and immediately regretted not inviting a friend. I didn’t want everyone to split up into duos, only to be the only single one and have to be paired up with the instructor. I had horrible flashbacks to grade 6 gym when I had to do the box step with the gym teacher Mr. Smith. Just in case you ever needed to know, he smelt like fish. Suddenly, a voice behind me says, “Is this seat taken?” and standing there, by some fluke-ish twist of fate is another sorority sister of mine, Ardith. Now Ardith is very well known and loved by the sisters of Alpha Gamma Delta because frankly, she’s extraordinary. If I were lucky enough to be invited to the next Royal Wedding, I would call Ardith to tell me what to wear and what to bring as a gift. If I were involved in an international hostage situation and I needed a negotiator, I would call Ardith. Add that with a quick sense of humor and a huge heart, and you have Ardith. Aridith’s young daughter has been diagnosed with Celiacs which would be much harder than my situation. It’s hard enough feeding my sorry ass but it would be so daunting to try to keep a kid happy and fed. Ardith has become a Celiac superstar for her daughter - producing GF dumplings, home-made gluten free crackers and even a GF angel food cake! She’s just awesome. So we had a wonderful time at the class; we shared stories, recipes and plenty of giggles.

One of the best things that happened at the class is that something went wrong! I know it sounds like I am being a mean nasty bitch but really, I was thrilled. Wendy Turnbull went to make a quick loaf of bread and she let it rise too long and it failed. It still tasted fine but it looked like every loaf of GF bread I have ever tried to make. She obviously knew that it wasn’t going to come out well and warned us all to that effect. So now I know what I have been doing wrong. As she put the loaf in the oven, Wendy just shrugged and said, “I wouldn’t bet on that one,” and I fell in love with her. It was great to know that even to the experts, GF baking is tricky and it was great to see why it sometimes goes all to hell. Like I always say, Celiacs reminds us that life isn’t perfect and it’s actually better that way.

So even though the Cookbook Co. had an off day, they certainly made the right decision in getting Wendy Turnbull in. I have her signed cook book and I will update you on my future baking attempts. I can only assume that it will be laughable even if it does turn out.

COLD!!!

So it is Minus 36 outside - cold enough that your teeth freeze to your lips and your nose freezes closed. This makes me VERY testy. I don't think I was made to live in this type of cold. To be honest, I don't think that any human should live in this type of cold. I think that we have it wrong when we think that Hell is hot. If you want to punish the human spirit, make it -36.

 I can never understand why anyone settled here. Not that I'm not grateful that they did, I am. I just know that I whine a great deal about the cold and I have a furnace. If I lived in a sod house, with no power, no water and my number of spawn multiplied by 3, this shit would get ugly.  I am fairly sure that I would pack everyone back up in the covered wagon and head on back to Cali.

Anyway, I do have heat so I remain merely irritated and cranky rather than suicidal. This is the type of weather that calls for baking, soups and some yummy slow cooking. I made some delicious corn bread muffins. I found the recipe on eHow Food.

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• 1 cup cornmeal
• 3/4 cup chick pea flour
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup milk
• 1/4 cup olive oil, not virgin
• 1 egg, beaten
• 12-slot muffin pan

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Spritz a 12-slot muffin pan with nonstick baking spray.

Combine the cornmeal, chick pea flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in a large bowl.

Combine the milk, oil and egg in a glass measuring cup and whisk to combine.

Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and mix with a fork just enough to combine.

Pour the batter into the prepared slots of the muffin pan.

Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the cornbread begins to pull away from the sides of the pan and is golden in color. Serve immediately.

I says to use chick pea flour but I used my Namaste Flour Mix. I love that stuff.
I think I will make something in the slow cooker today. I don't know what yet, I will post what ever I throw in there.

My dear friends Scott and Megan returned from Arizona with a bag of Gluten Free contraband for me. Including some Betty Crocker Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix which we don't have here yet.  They are like a party in my Gluten Free mouth.

They brought back some Enjoy Life Cookies too which are moist and yummy. Looks like Scott decided to try a couple though and had the audacity to blame his pilaging on our fine border police. This is what I found when I opened the first package.

Shameful blaming

Stay warm....it's not possible but you can give it a shot. I'm off to drive the kids to school while wearing snow pants. Frack.

Always look on the bright side of life!

I have decided that I spend a lot of time on here talking about the shitty (pun unintended) part of having Celiac’s. So I think it’s time that I talk about the good parts of having it.

I don’t have to eat anything I don’t want to. No one REALLY knows what gluten is so if I tell them something has gluten in it, they believe me and then I don’t have to eat it.

            Here are the things I claimed had gluten in them so I wouldn’t have to consume them. Some ACTUALLY have gluten, some do not, most I have no fucking idea what they are made of:

§  One of those jello “salads” with marshmellows  and other creepy things inside (possibly Barbie doll parts)

§  Fruit cake  - I know that there is most likely flour in it but anything that can last 25 years “if wrapped properly” is inedible for many reasons

§  Split Pea Soup – self explanatory

§  Those gummy candies that are “molded” to look like other shitty food – hot dogs, nachos

§  Any cheese that was never in a solid form or that came in a tube or that doesn’t have to be refridgerated

§  I have told people that any meal containing an animals feet have gluten in them

§  Yogurt – because for some reason I have NEVER liked yogurt

§  Pickled protein (eggs, herring etc etc etc)

§  I turned down Meth once and to NOT anger the Meth dealer, I claimed it wasn’t Gluten Free and I would get a tummy ache while cleaning the house with a toothbrush

BUT a lot of stuff IS Gluten free

o   Wine

o   Steak

o   Cheese (mostly the stuff that comes in a wheel form)

o   The Maury Povich Show (I know who MY babies Daddy is)

o   Pump Shoes

o   All things made at PEOPLE FOOD (yummy)

o   Pedicures

o   Butter

o   Lobster

o   Dancing

o   Dancing with Buttered Lobsters

o   Diamonds are Gluten Free (Trevor)

o   Babies (other peoples babies…and not to eat) I have purposefully surrounded myself with child bearing women so I have baby snuggle time on a regular business (psst – don’t tell them, they think I like their “personalities”)

o   Popcorn

o   Sleep is Gluten Free

o   Roller Coasters

o   And LAST but NEVER LEAST – Jersey Shore is Gluten Free

I know that having Celiac’s (or any medical issue) is constantly annoying, but don’t forget to keep your eye on the big picture. Whining about your ailment isn’t going to make it go away and despite what you may think, it won’t make you feel better about it either. Don’t forget to think of the worthy things - the things you CAN have. Most medical issues aren’t contagious so try not to complain so much that you stop being fun to be around. No one will EVER understand the challenges you face in your everyday, stop trying to tell them and try asking them about their day.

The most important thing to remember is that Happiness is Gluten Free…dose on a regular basis.

New Years Resolutions!

What 2012 looks like to a Freaking Celiac.


1) Don't threaten so many peoples lives - not that I think this is wrong, just that its losing its edge becuase I do it so much. I will take a year off and then go back to the threat - that way it will earn it's punch back.

Don't do anything too much....everything in moderation.

2) More yoga - yoga makes me happy. It makes everyone happy. I am a firm believer that everyone, from pro athlete to ninety year old cancer survivor can benefit from a deep seeded adoration of yoga

3) Question my TV show choices  - you can always tell the calibre of the intended audience from the commercials. I watch some shows that suggest I should get off the couch and become a medical assistant or that i should sue someone for making me take too much Tylenol while pregnant. I don't know if I should change my TV choices....just look look at them closer.

 Not everything has to be lofty and superior. Relax. 

4)  Keep writing - I have always loved to write and I have been told that I am pretty good at it. So I am going to keep doing it. This laptop from Santa makes me giddy like diamonds make other girls giddy.

Find something that makes you feel talented....don't stop doing it. No matter what.

5) I stopped giving a shit what people thought of me a long time ago. This is a re-resolution. Your opinion of me is none of my business so please keep it to yourself. I think I am pretty awesome, I don't care if you agree.

Release the need to be accepted by others, your sleep patterns will thank you.

6) Hug more. I'm not going to start some sort of hug-a-thon or something creepy like that but I am going to stop saying "I could have hugged them" and just do it. Think of how fun every thing in your life would get if you just added hugging to it. Getting audited? Getting a prostate exam? Find yourself in a bear trap? Hug it out! Happines is your choice, not the obligation of those around you.

7) Watch more Jersey Shore because that shit makes me laugh.

Find something that makes you giggle and do it. No matter how stupid it seems.

8) Ignore the bullshit people. Go ahead and be a passive aggressive asshole ... just not around me.

Life is too short to spend time with people who treat you badly - to your face or behind your back.

9) Keep reminding my kids and husband that they were made for me.

Figure out who is important and don't let them go.

10) Keep laughing at my Celiacs. It has been a hell of a ride so far. Celiacs has forced you to come here and hang out with my voice so I have to keep doing it because I like you....a lot.

Laughter is the best medicine, for your soul and your intestines.

Pathetic but True

You are about to read a sad tale. I warn you that I am going to whine and pout for a bit so if you don’t want to hear about my miserable account of woe I suggest that you stop reading now.

We have a party every year for New Years. Trev smokes massive amounts of meats, everyone brings a side and we eat and laugh our way to midnight. We call it Meat-fest. This year was no different; everyone ate like pigs and deeply enjoyed the evening. It was a super fun night and we rang in the New Year with good friends and a lot of love.

It was a couple hours later that things went bad. Trev and I had just crawled into bed when the pain hit. I know that I haven’t really gone into details as to what happens when I get glutened. I try really hard not to make you guys hate me with a bunch of whimpering and pathetic crap. But I warned you that there would be some whining so here it is. It sucks, a lot. It feels like someone is stabbing me in the belly. It rips through from the front and then up my back. The pain is almost unbearable, and there is nothing I can do about it. My hands shake and my skin crawls and I feel so overwhelmingly ill I feel like I could die. It feels like I should be in a hospital, that’s how bad it is. The pain comes on quickly though and to go from feeling well and happy to that ill within moments is very unnerving. I crawled to the bathroom and laid on the floor so I could run a bath. I slunk into the tub and lay there, crying quietly waiting for the pain to subside or the water to cool off too much. I heard a nice soft knock at the door and my Trev asking if I was ok. Poor guy had been cooking all day, it was way past our bedtimes and he had to be up for my sorry ass. I felt terrible. This was no way to start his new year. Eventually the water turned cold and I crawled back to bed to cry there for a while with Trev rubbing my back and almost begging me for something he could do to make it better.

There is no sleeping with that level of pain so I eventually sat up and turned on the TV. The only thing on was that Jersey Shore show which I have actually never seen an episode of. What the fuck is that shit anyway? There was a guy who had to wear a neck brace because I guess on a previous episode he ran his head into a brick wall. And did you know that they aren’t even in Jersey? They are in Italy, going to bars and getting in fights while dressed like fat, tacky Bratz dolls. It am totally amazed that people like this exist. I also could not change the channel - I was totally invested and laid there in physical and visual hell until I fell back asleep at 5am.

Today I still feel really bad, the pain eased off a bit but I am still all achy and shaky and shitty and Jersey Shore is still on. One of them had to take a pregnancy test and I am surprised it read at all with the amount of vodka in her pee. Riveting. Anyway, I don’t know what caused the attack. I know that everyone was beyond careful with the food. I know that everyone checked every ingredient. It really could be anything. I could have eaten from a spoon that I didn’t clean totally properly or maybe it was the sheer overindulgence of it. Maybe my body just can’t be pushed at all. I don’t know and to be honest right now I don’t really care. It would be so much easier if my reaction was instant, then we would know exactly what it was and avoid it. There is nothing easy about this and it gets the better of me sometimes.

I warned you that this was going to be a pity party but this is what it’s really like to have Celiac’s. When it’s bad, it’s really really bad and there is nothing you can do about it. I still had a super fun night. I still woke up this morning and counted my blessings like I do every other day. If I have to put up with this asshole Celiac to have all the other great things in my life than that is the way it has to be. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything.


I’m going back to bed because Snooki’s boyfriend just left her in Italy and I have no idea what she’s going to do next.