Just Cheat

"Just cheat, take the risk."

I've heard this hundreds of times since being diagnosed with Celiacs and I'm so sick of it, I feel like grabbing a bat and smashing the person's car up. 

There are several problems with this statement and making it to a Celiac, let's go through them in a vulgarity laced tirade shall we?

Number one, fuck you. How dare you tell me what to do with my body. How dare you shrug at my disease like it is nothing but an inconvenience. This isn't like having a glass of  wine while on antibiotics or a mini chocolate bar while you are trying to lose weight so you fit into a tube top. It's not a God damn option so stop suggesting that it is. Stop implying that I have a choice in the matter. Your tone is both dismissive and insulting. Let me switch it up on you. 

You: "Oh, I can't eat that peanut butter, I'm allergic."

Me: shrugs while looking at a TV guide from 1981, "You could cheat."

You: "Well, then my tongue would swell up and I would have to take an epi pen shot."

Me: "But it's PEANUT BUTTER. It's the best thing in the world."

You: "Well, it's really serious."

Me: Shrugs again while shoving handfuls of peanut butter in my mouth. "I know people who don't even think your condition is a real thing anyway."

You consider buying a gun.

See where I'm going here? Feel like an asshole? You should.

Number Two. It's not worth it. It really isn't, and this is coming from a serious bread addict. I love bread. I adore it. The whiter, the more gluteney, the better. I miss croissants and sourdough and baguettes and donuts and eclairs. I jones for them like heroin addicts jones for a hit twenty years after their last hit. THIS is how much I love gluten so I assure you, if it was even remotely worth cheating, I would do it without your shittily timed suggestion. If I eat a minute amount of gluten, I get sick. Really really really sick. Have you ever had stomach poisoning? You ate some bad sushi or didn't know that the chicken shouldn't be pink? Remember that feeling like you wanted to die? Yeah. That's it. Right there. That's how it feels to be glutened. So, think about it. Would you choose to feel like that? For anything? Me neither.

Number Three. The damage is long term. The chances of me dying from colon cancer are three times higher than they are for you. The more gluten I eat, the bigger the chances of that happening. So, it's not worth it. If you don't think that colon cancer is a big deal, you are more than welcome to goggle image it. Go on, I'll wait...... You're back? Did you like that? Colons that looking like they are some distressed alien planet? That doesn't look painful at all does it? Does it look like something you would be willing to cheat for? Is there a Twinkie out there that is delicious enough for you to get that? Think about it. Then shut up.

So stop. Don't tell a Celiac that they can cheat. don't shrug at our disease like it's a choice. Don't treat us like we are being silly or overly cautious. 

We can't eat gluten, any more than you can eat drain cleaner. It's poison. 

Get it? Any questions?

This Is Where You Belong. So Be Thankful Dammit.

Can Turkey's Fly? Can they?

It's time for the Thanksgiving post. I know, I know, I haven't posted in what seems like forever and for that I am sorry. We have moved back to Calgary and if you haven't seen how much I have to drink during moves, check out that post HERE so getting a blog post in was a little rough. We are settled back in our Calgary home, the kids back in their school, me and hubby back at work so that took some doing and wine.

We talk a lot about being grateful on Thanksgiving and that's awesome. However, if you are only grateful on this one day, I have to tell you, you are doing life wrong. I think that the secret to getting good stuff to happen to you is to be grateful for the things you already have, as meager as those things seem. 

I know, it's hard to count your blessings when you are in the dredges of life. It's frustrating to see someone else being handed everything that you have to work hard for. I know it feels impossible to be grateful when you watch some rich old dude on tv win 30 kajillion dollars in the lotto that he played ONCE  and let's be honest, he's going to be dead by Thursday. You shake your head and say, 'where's my lottery? When it is my turn?'

Hot damn you are right. You are totally right. You deserve better, we all do. But try to imagine, for one second, someone who doesn't have what you have. And not in a 'there are starving children in Africa', although, there ARE starving children in Africa and I think we should totally take care of that. My solution is to tell the Kardashian's that feeding starving people is the new 'it' thing for fall and it will make their asses bigger. 

No, think of what your life would be like without the things that make it great. What if you had no job (as shitty as your job feels like sometimes), no friends (like NONE), no children (imagine this when they are playing nicely or hugging you, not when they are rolling their eyes at you), what if you didn't have your home, your couch, your socks, your cheese (dear lord what would we do without cheese), or be able to walk or talk or dance. What would that feel like? Honestly, think about it. 

You win the lottery every single day that you open your eyes and have a new opportunity to be grateful. You won my friend. This is your day, throw your hands in the air and fist pump in victory. You win. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in this place, on this day, with these people. 

This is where you belong. So be thankful dammit. 

Am I grateful that I have Celiacs? That's something I struggle with. I am thankful for being healthy and happy and eating well which fuels my body and allows it to thrive. Would it be easier if I could just make a normal pie crust? Yup. Is life about easy? Nope. So I am grateful that we can afford the gluten free flour to make the crust. I am grateful that mashed potatoes and turkey are naturally gluten free. I'm grateful that without Celiacs, I would not have started this blog and through the course of it, become a published author. These are good things and that is what I focus on.

And I get to spend my day, cooking and laughing with my favorite people in the world. 

That is what I consider a win. 

Find something to be grateful for, every single day, not just today. Today, try to ignore your Celiacs and be grateful for everything else. 

My thanksgiving feast :

A smoked turkey (thanks to the hubby and his monster smoker for that)
Udi's stuffing recipe Recipe HERE
Roasted Carrots and Beets Recipe HERE
Mashed Potatoes (call your grandma)
Green Beans Recipe HERE
Gravy Courtesy of Club House Gluten Free Gravy Mix
Pumpkin Pie Recipe HERE - I used President's Choice GF Flour
Homemade Whipped Cream (literally whip some cream with sugar - buy that canned stuff and I will hunt you down.)

NEWER IS BETTER

There are new GF products hitting the shelves every day and it's hard to keep up. Now, I am in Canada so there are many products that I don't get yet. Fuck You  NAFTA. 

I've tried a few new items in the last few months, check them out below. 

My new favorite GF item. These corn tortillas are awesome. I use them in place of bread or buns. They need to be heated up though. I just put them in a frying pan for a minute but I'm sure you could nuke them.

Let me make it very clear that I love UDI's Products. I love their bread and bagels and their buns are kick ass. But this? This is gross. Full on, gross. The ends are super gummy, the filling is bland and lacking texture. I don't know if I would ever, ever eat one of these again. I don't know if I would eat it if the world got taken over by mutant zombies and I was running for my life. They are really that gross. UDIs needs to do better because they are better.

 

Chex are awesome. It's great to get a cereal that you can eat by the barrel full and not have to mortgage your house to do so. I love Chex and the Cinnamon flavor is pretty good. My personal favorite Chex flavor is CORN though which ironically, is not included on the GF list. Weird right? Get on that Chex....I mean it.

 

I despise figs. I don't understand why anyone likes figs. It's not crunchy like a fruit or soft like a butter, it's like paste. Weird brown paste that looks and smells like Mother Natures ass. Fig cookies always remind me of visiting my Great Aunt Marion and how it smelt like moth balls and scotch. I don't like fig bars. That being said....these are good...if you like figs which means you have no soul.....just saying. 

I love my Robin Hood flour and you should too. Replace cup for cup and add a bit of Guar Gum to any baking. It's awesome. No one can tell the difference. Thank you Robin Hood. 

GAME CHANGER

Stop everything you are doing. Stop it. I don't care if you are in the middle of micro surgery or driving a wrecking ball. Stop.

This is a game changer.

Not that Celiacs is a game, it's not. If it is a game, it's a really shitty one designed by those Mayans who invented that demented version of soccer where the losers get hung up by their balls and get their skin flayed off, or whatever.

Celiacs is a game no one wins at. UNTIL NOW....

A scientist in Alberta (where I live btw, you're fucking welcome) has developed a pill that allows Celiacs to eat gluten. Yeah. That's right. It's a thing.

I will pause here for you to read the ARTICLE and then jump around a bit, drink a bottle of champagne, cha cha with a homeless dude, call everyone you have ever known and do the Ne Ne for a while.

You all good? Excellent. Let's move on.

This is the perfect solution to our problems. Celiacs have always said that we aren't sure if we would take a full cure for Celiacs. We don't necessarily think that gluten, even if we could eat it, is a great thing to eat. There is lots of debate about the place of gluten in a balanced diet and each person can make up their own mind about it.

However, for Celiacs a lot of the things that we want to eat and can't, are usually the things that are kind of shitty for you. Which is why we wouldn't necessarily need to be able to eat gluten items everyday but to be able to eat it every once in a while? Oh dear lord in heaven above, that would change my life.

Literally, change my life. Like, you know how having children or learning to walk or robbing that Chicken on the Way store totally changed your life? That's how much this is going to change my life.

Times that a two hour break from my Celiacs would be more than welcome.

- In Mexico when the delightful waiter smiles a lot but shrugs when I say the word 'gluten'

- Travelling...anywhere really. Road trips, long shopping days, running from the Terminator, you know, standard stuff.

- 3 am....drunk

- 3 pm....drunk

- Parties. I hate saying no to birthday cake. It feels like I am putting a bad omen on people. I refuse to eat the thing that symbolizes your happiness for the next year. People are also really pushy about the cake. I don't know why. Everyone offers you the cake, even people who have nothing to do with the actual party. Other guests will constantly be pushing a floppy plate with a six pound sugar brick toward me until I leave. It's weird. It would be nice to eat the cake.

- When I get hangry. For those of you who don't know, hangry is a mix between hungry and angry and it happens when you are past the point of logic for eating. This spirals into a possible terrorist incident when everyone else is eating a deep dish pizza and I am sipping water. I call this, 'Def Com 4 HANGRY' and is not fucking pretty.


- OR anytime really. That's the beauty of this. It would be so great to be out with people that I don't know and NOT have to discuss my intestines. That.Would.Be.Amazing.

The discussion then turns to cost. Everyone hates big pharma. Go ahead and hate them, but if they make my Celiac pill over the counter? They are my favorite people. The over the counter thing is important because it makes it more affordable and accessible to everyone. Celiacs is expensive enough, don't make it worse. That being said, I would pay a lot for one of these buggers. Like a lot. I don't know really what that means or where I would stop but it would be a stupid amount. Why? Because it's paying for peace of mind as much as it is paying for me to go gluten crazy. I would pay a lot for peace of mind.

But let's not go all Donald Trump on this thing. Let's try to be inclusive okay Big Pharma?

So of course, I have started my wish list, of course. I don't think I would eat this all on the same pill but it is certainly a starting point!

FOOD I WOULD EAT IF I HAD A CONJUGAL VISIT WITH GLUTEN (keeping in mind that they would taste like shit because most of them are shit. I don't care, I would still want them. It's the principle of the thing).

- A deep dish pizza (yup, the whole thing. Reach for a piece and you will come back with a bloody stump)
- French Bread (the entire loaf and a bucket of butter please)
- Croissants (all warmed up and flaky....mmmmm)
- A Big Mac (I know, I know, shut up)
- Fried Chicken (not necessarily KFC but close)
- Fried Onion Rings
- Anything at a diner really (doused in gravy)
- A Sub (loaded, soft, stretchy bun)
- A S'more (or fifty)
- My Aunt Val's cream puffs
- My Aunt Barb's Nanaimo bars
- My Friend Natasha's butter tarts
- Naan Bread
- Bread on SALE (take that capitalism)
- Breaded wings
- Chinese noodles
- Kraft Dinner
- Something from a vending machine

And.... ANYTHING I want at a restaurant.....ANYTHING! I can have anything I want and not have to have a lengthy discussion with the server and give them an IQ test before they take my order. It wouldn't matter if he/she got it wrong. There would be no consequences for a kitchen mistake. I could go into a restaurant full of blind zebras making my food and no matter what....I could eat there and I would not suffer any consequences other than a zebra hair in my dinner. This thought is dizzying to me.

To be honest, I got a little weepy when I read the article. It's a game changer bitches. So when you lay your heads down at night, say a little prayer to whoever you think is looking out for you that this actually comes into play.

I know I will.

Now, go make your lists of what you are going to eat and let me know what is on them so I can add them to mine.

Are You There Wine? It's Me, Potato. My Trip to PEI.

We are still in Atlantic Canada and I'm sure Atlantic Canada is thrilled with that.

We recently visited Prince Edward Island for the weekend. As we have discussed before, I'm not afraid to travel, well, I'm terrified but I never give up on something that scares me. Never.

The best things in life are those things that scare you the most.

 Celiacs is something that I have, it doesn't have me. Nothing decides my life for me, least of all a selfish bitch like Celiacs. So, I went to PEI because no one is going to do it for me.




Prince Edward Island is the smallest province in Canada. It's so teeny tiny that you can drive from tip to tip in about 4 hours. It is just about the most beautiful place in the world, which is why it has changed hands so often. PEI was originally (like everything else) the home of the native Canadians who believed that the Great Spirit placed the red clay in the ocean in the shape of a crescent.

What a beautiful thought. Hey, let's ruin it.

The French then took it over and the British took it over from the French. At one point, the Americans tried to take it over during the revolution. Finally, like the Kardashian Clan they are, the British Monarchy named it Prince Edward Island after the Duke of Kent's son, Edward.

Daddy loves me so much he took over an Island and named it after me. #Blessed #BitchesLoveTheIsland #Balling

The most famous city in PEI is Charlottetown where the Canadian Confederation was signed in 1864. It's all very historical and pretty and lovely.

Is PEI Celiac friendly?

In a word? Yes.

Mainly because it grows the best potatoes in the world and has gorgeous wine to go with it so I was a happy Celiac for most of the time.

We are not a family that can just figure things out as we go. I wish we could but because of my Celiacs I have to plan ahead. I am a spontaneous gal (read, spastic) and like it when things feel organic and magical but my Celiacs determines that planning ahead has to happen. If not, I will spend all vacations either sick or starving. In order to balance out the two sides of myself, I make a list.

I research every single Gluten Free option in a 50 Kilometre radius of where we are going. I either save them on my phone or write them out and keep it with maps and travel paperwork. This list includes, every restaurant or bakery that lists itself as gluten free, every chain restaurant that I know I can eat at from experience (although, I hate eating at chain restaurants while we are travelling, seems like a waste), every grocery store that in a pinch can provide me with a frozen gluten free meal and finally, the most risky option, the restaurants that I think I could probably eat at but they don't list themselves as gluten aware.

That way, we can wander and feel aimless while I still have options to eat.

I, of course, had to bring a cooler full of boiled eggs, GF pepperoni sticks and gluten free crackers in case there was nothing I could eat, anywhere. This is the worst case scenario. There is nothing quite so pathetic as biting into a cold, old, hard boiled egg while your family eats hot dogs and ice cream cones. I always feel like Charlie Brown when he has that sad rain cloud over his head.

I have a sad food cloud.

It's better than getting sick I guess.

So armed with my list, we set out for PEI and were amazed by the beauty of the Island but overall weren't too dazzled with the people. We went at the end of June and were continuously faced with locked doors and closed signs with the explanation that 'it wasn't the tourist season'. I found this to be a very bizarre policy. Here I am, a tourist, with money to spend and I was informed that it wasn't my time to show up.

How about if I decide when I want to show up because I 'm the tourist? How bout that?

Still, we saw most of the Island and all the important parts including the areas where Lucy Maude Montgomery was born and did most of her writing. Don't know who LM Montogomery is? She wrote Anne of Green Gables. Don't know who Anne of Green Gables is?  Don't admit that in public, especially in Canada. Google it. Don't ask anyone because you will lose all their respect. Look it up now because I am going to mention it again in this post and I'm going to get pissed off if you keep asking stupid questions. Go, google it. I'l wait....

You back? Excellent. Let's move on.

We went to the wax museum where everyone from Princess Diana to Michael Jordan just looked like different versions of Nick Noltle. The kids loved it though. We also saw the Ripley's Museum which was far more impressive than I expected. We also went to Sandspit Amusement Park which has a wicked fun roller coaster.

We saw the gorgeous red shores, blue water and vibrantly green grass. Basically, PEI is shockingly beautiful. It's so gorgeous that you expect Peter Pan or a Hobbit to walk past you at any moment. You have to see it, you just have to.

Where did I eat? Here's the list.

1) The Rodd Charlottetown Hotel- This is where we stayed and I loved it! Loved! It's an older hotel with all the charm of the set of Downton Abbey. Gorgeous views, right in the middle of downtown and amazing staff. I had breakfast there and the staff had no problem with my special order. They offered Gluten Free toast but I wasn't in the mood. We really enjoyed the lounge with the bartender Kim and oh look, wine.

2) The Dundee Arms Inn- This is an Inn right beside ours. It looked like a really cute place to stay too. We ate dinner there the first night and man was it great. I had The Island Potato Bruschetta.
This dish was crazy good. It was like an elevated potato skin. Delish. Loved it. Great service too. Wine list was extensive and not overly priced. Had two glasses, they were large and in liquid form.

3) Fishbones - Located on Victoria Row the pedestrian walkway in Charlottetown that is filled with bars and restaurants. They were playing live music and we had to wait for the patio which was worth the wait. It was my favourite meal in Charlottetown. I had the Lobster Risotto and it was amazing. Service was good. Another great wine list, a little pricier than the other places in town. The only weird thing was that the live music stopped at 8pm. The patios are full, people are milling about and enjoying the only warm night of the week and the city pulled the last performer off the stage. It was strange. Like we had all been bad at a kids party and the clown was refusing to work under these conditions.


4) Shaddy's Restaurant - Located in Charlottetown. Had this place on my list as a huge hopeful for a great family meal. We didn't even walk in. The windows were dark, the sign was falling off, there was vomit on the sidewalk outside and the door handle was sticky. Ewwwww. This is where I pulled out my list and got to work finding an alternative. We ended up at Fishbones and were happy with the change.


5) Fisherman's Wharf Lobster Suppers - Located in North Rustico. Lobster Suppers are the best thing ever. It's like all you can eat, only with mussels and lobster. They all feel a little touristy but they are awesome. I had lobster and, of course, wine....shocker.

6) Reds Corner Restaurant - Located in Montague (the town names are awesome) PEI along the coastal highway drive. We stumbled upon it on Trip Advisor and could not have been happier. I, again, had a baked potato and a Greek Salad. They were great. Our server Stan seemed to have a great understanding of Celiacs and did a great job taking care of the whole family. A must stop on the way to the Wood Island Ferry.

7) Red Island Baked Potato - Left the best for last here. I can't tell you how much I loved this place. It is tucked away in Avonlea Village in Cavendish. (Avonlea is the small town near Green Gables where Anne (with an E) lived in the book written by Lucy Maude Montgomery who lived....you know what? Fuck it. If you haven't Googled it by now, you suck. )

Refocus - Red Island Baked Potato is a gem of a place tucked in this little touristy boardwalk village. I stopped there because they had a sign out front that said they had Gluten Free Options. I would encourage all places to have a little sign out front to advertise gluten free options. I'm not going to go into every single restaurant I see to ask you. I'm either too lazy or drunk so just put up a sign okay?

Red Island Baked Potato sells just that, Baked Potatoes with a kick and a side of love. It is run by Lucie and Mark who were the only Islanders who didn't berate us for having the audacity to show up three days before tourist season. They welcomed us with open arms and told me all about the menu and the gluten free options. Everything looked fantastic but I settled in on "The Islander" a baked potato with all the fixings and a side of slaw and pickle.

I got to eat this....I'm not kidding. I got to EAT this instead of eating my sad food.

If you are going to PEI and you go to see the Anne of Green Gables stuff (again, google it) you simply MUST stop here. Great food, great people and one happy Celiac.


So overall, PEI offered up some solid Gluten Free options. Don't be afraid to add it to your bucket list. In fact, I insist upon it. Make a list, take a deep breath and hope for the best.

Celiacs doesn't mean you can't be you anymore. It means you just have to make a list now and then. It means you have to take a calculated chance once in a while. It means you can't be as spontaneous as Anne and Diana when walking past the Lake of Shining Waters (for fuck sakes look it up!)

 Celiacs also means that you might just find gorgeous food, made by wonderful people on the prettiest island in the world, even if it was named after a spoiled little prince.

Go be a Celiac in PEI....I dare you.

THE BEST VIDEO EVER MADE...

CLICK HERE TO SEE 'HOW TO BE GLUTEN INTOLERANT'


THIS IS LITERALLY MY NEW FAVORITE THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD! I LAUGHED UNTIL I CRIED.

Celiacs Know Things That You Don't....

Celiacs aren't geniuses. Well, I'm sure some of us are. Maybe the guy who invented the Sauna Pants is Celiac. Sauna pants are genius.

 Sauna Pants are a thing and Mother's Day is coming.

But you don't have to be a genius to have Celiacs. Thank God because if that were the case, I would be screwed. I'm pretty clever, but I'm no Sauna Pants inventor.

I saw a thing on someone's Facebook that in order to have diabetes, you have to have a masters in mathematics and patience. All I could think was, thank god I don't have diabetes. In fact, about 10% of Celiacs have diabetes too. Why? Because God has a sense of humor that's why. I am horrible at math...horrible. I should think that Justin Bieber is better at math than I am and he stopped going to school when he was 7 and before that attended in Oakville so he was screwed to start with. None of the last statement was based on fact or even personal knowledge. I just thought the sentence was funny.

I'm not known for my patience either. Ask the lady at the grocery store on Thursday. She was arguing about the cost of a package of toilet paper. It had been advertised at $3.49 cents and it had been rung in at $3.89. The girl behind the counter didn't have the ability, or launch codes to change the price so she was just going to void the item and ring it in by hand. The lady didn't think that this was an acceptable solution. She felt that they were trying to TAKE her. They wanted to suck her into their store with these fancy promises and then fleece her of her hard earned 40 cents. I had no patience for this shit. I reached in my pocket, pulled out two quarters, and slammed them on the counter. She hates me now.

So I'm glad that I don't have to be patient, a math whiz or a genius to have Celiacs.

 However, there are some things that we Celiacs know that the vast majority of the planet do not. Here they are.....

1) Celiacs has to be diagnosed by a doctor. Not Dr. Strangelove or that douche who wears a "I'm a Doctor, take off your clothes" T-Shirt at the mall. A MEDICAL DOCTOR, preferably a Gastroenterologist. You can not decide this for yourself. If you feel better after not eating gluten, you do not necessarily have Celiac Disease.


2) There are no short cuts, there is no way to be a 'little bit Celiac'. Someone told me once that she was 'basically a Celiac too'. Like we were both had the same parole officer or had the same waxer. Saying that you are 'basically Celiac' is the same as being a clingy little roady slut and claiming to 'basically' be in the band. Sorry, unless Ozzy Osbourne is handing you the mic, you aren't in the band and unless you have been diagnosed by a doctor, you don't have Celiacs. Consider yourself lucky on that one.

3) Gluten does not make you fat. It doesn't make you slow or ugly or give you warts. There is no proof that a gluten free diet helps you lose weight.

4) Gluten can do weird things though. Gluten can give us headaches, and strange brain fogs that make us forget our hair color. Gluten can give you nausea, vomiting, gas and diarrhea. It can give you sores inside your mouth and viciously itchy rashes on your arms and legs. Gluten can effect the growth of a child and the growth of your hair. Gluten is a wily bitch.

5) Gluten is everywhere. It really is. It hides in every restaurant you have ever been to. It is in soy sauce and cereal and crackers and breads. Gluten lives in canned soup and pre-made,,,,anything. Some bacon has gluten in it, most sausages, some cheese. It's in beer and rye and burbon. It's in sauces and pastas and every single convenience food there is. It lives in some ice cream and gummy bears. It's in some makeups and face creams and candy canes. Everything fried. GAH!

6) Celiacs know how to read labels. We read labels on everything. A Celiac can read a label faster than Superman can get naked in a phone booth. We know the long and involved list of garbage that resides in food and which ones of those contain gluten. We know to scan for Xanthum Gum first because if something has Xanthum gum in it, it usually means that it doesn't have gluten.

7) We know how long a loaf of bread has been sitting in the freezer at the grocery store. You aren't getting anything over on us. We know that Udi's should not have icicles or look like a polar bear den.

8) We know you think you are an expert on our disease. We know you are wrong. Please don't tell me what I can or can not eat. Please don't tell me you know how horrible it is because you get gas when you eat red peppers.That must be terrible for you. You poor baby.

9) Being Celiac is an inconvenience. But that is ALL it is. There are plenty of worse diseases out there. We don't have to take a bunch of creepy medicines or pump our bodies full of poisons, we have to cut out gluten and that is something we are actually grateful for every day.

10) We know that Sauna Pants are the stupidest thing we have ever seen and yet we secretly want a pair. See? We are just like everyone else.