Sunday, 19 February 2012

Says Laurie Lyons to the Pieman....let me taste your wares

I just realised that the title of this piece implies something else than it's about....oops
So I was recently in the hospital with my little 5 year old girl. She had her tonsils out which is normally a simple day procedure. Not for my spawn...no normalcy for us. After a harrowing, terrifying afternoon filled with complications and two surgeries, my brave daughter and (by default) I were admitted to the Alberta Childrens' Hospital for the night.

A friend of mine, after hearing we were unexpectedly staying the night, sent me the following text: "WHAT are you going to eat? Do you want me to come with food?" And for the first time all day, I thought about myself. What the Hell WAS I going to eat?

Turns out the sandwich bar had gluten free bread and the guy made me a lovely sandwich making sure there was no cross contamination. Hours later, for dinner, he informed me that they had one Gluten Free simple simon pie left. These homemade pies are normally excellent. I was thrilled to eat something hot and asked for it immediately. He started to tell me the flavor but I waved him off, what did it matter? How could it be bad?


Just so you know, there are only three kids staying on the day surgery floor, because you know, its day surgery. One is a Hutterite teenage girl and her suspicious looking mom - pretty boring. She wouldn't even smile at me as if being polite is a new technology. The mom on the other side of us was far more entertaining. If I could have taken a picture, you still wouldn’t believe me. This mom looked like Snooki and Ice-Ts wife Coco were genetically melded together. She personified "ridden hard and put away wet". Snooki-Coco wore a skin tight white tank with a purple bra underneath because THAT'S classy, she was tanned beyond human recognition and her hair had been coloured so frequently that it had the consistency of dirty straw. Oh Oh Oh and she was wearing WHITE JEGGINGS that's right, white leggings with the stitching of jeans.....AWESOME. Additional useless information? The carpet didn’t match the drapes....Now you know.


So the cafeteria guy heats up the gluten free pie for me and I head back up to the darkened ward to eat. The little spawn was still partially awake and zombie watching a movie so I snuggle up beside her in the bed. She couldn't talk but she looked at my plate with disgust and mocked plugging her nose. I looked at my dinner. I had to admit it didn't look or smell very appetising. The ingredients I could identify were; chick peas...and...well ...that was it. Everything else was a dog food looking consistency. It smelt like it had spices like curry and something that could have been a beefy smelling cinnamon.

Interesting. But I press on, and take a big bite. Immediately something sticks in my molars...what was it you ask? Oh a fantastically disgusting surprise, there are raisins in my dinner pie. That’s right, raisins and beef stock and cinnamon AND curry… YUM! The rest of the flavors were just as, shall we say, surprising? The consistency was that of week old chili and the raisins and the chick peas were the only ingredients I ever did identify. It was so fucking gross AND the smell was getting exponentially worse. It's like when I disturbed the shape of the pie, the stenched spilled out like a volcano. So now the whole area reeked....really bad....like farts....hung over farts.

There is just a curtain between us, Snook-Coco and the lady with the head scarf. And of course, the smell perfumes the entire space and its dead obvious where it came from. Am I mature about this? Do I go over to their curtains and explain? Hell no, that would be the grown up thing to do and I stay away from the grown up thing to do at all costs. The juvenile way is usually funnier and funnier is ALWAYS better.

 The smell expands and I count down until I figure it reached either side of me. Three..two...one...BAM! The reaction is immediate. I could hear a gasp and an odd sniffing from the Hutterite contingency and quiet mumbling in German.  Snook-Coco was less polite and actually gagged and said something that sounded like "what the fuck". So there I am, sitting the darkened room beside my very ill daughter, emotionally and physically exhausted and I have just consumed one of the most disgusting things I have ever eaten and holy shit was it ever funny. I start to giggle, and can not stop.....at all. I laughed and laughed until tears ran down my face. This, I am sure irritated the hell out of our room mates but I could not stop laughing. It was good times. After I brushed the hell out of my teeth, I took my plate down the hall and threw it out in a garbage can off the ward with only the one bite missing.

When the nurse came in later to re-drug my spawn, it still fucking stank and she sniffed the air in displeasure. Being the very funny person I am, I shrugged and pointed meaningfully to
Snook-Coco's curtain. The nurse rolled her eyes and shook her head at me as if to say, "what are you going to do, people shit themselves" it was awesome.


Sometimes with Celiac's you get stuck eating some stupid gross shit....the point is to laugh about it. It doesn't last forever and there is no point getting pissy about it. My little spawn and I got to go home the next day and I got a proper meal.

The talented Medical Staff at the Alberta Children's hospital treated my daughter with more respect and love than we could ever ask for.....therefore, they get to serve as much disgusting food as they want.

Does anyone know where I can get a pair of those white jeggings? I gotta get me a pair of those...because the carpet SHOULD match the drapes.






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