Tuesday 28 February 2012

Yard Waste = Snacks

It is fairly surprising how many foods people think I will like simply because I have Celiacs. It’s like the diagnosis ruined my taste buds. This is not the case and it pisses me off. This is the fault of people (most of whom do not have Celiac’s) who will literally eat ANYTHING as long as you label it GF. I’m not exaggerating, I met a chick once who hadn’t washed her hair in a month and ate grass for lunch. She offered me some and I quickly, without any level of politeness replied, “I don’t fucking think so.”

I despise restaurants that think they can trick me with a “Gluten Free” menu that has only a Caesar salad (no croutons) and a steak on it. The hostess presents it with a flourish as if to say, “hold on to your hat lady.” It’s insulting.

Take my least favorite GF food; Sticks and Twigs. Oh, I didn’t make that name up; I’m not being a brat here, someone named a product Sticks and Twigs and people eat it.


So let us travel back dear reader, to a year or two ago at an established gluten free cracker company. There is a motley crew of folk sitting around their board room table which is most likely made of recycled Paper Mache. They are drinking green tea and water infused with love. No one drinks liquor, smokes or has ever had a hot dog. They believe church is for the small minded and yet Lorena McKennitt blares from a speaker. Someone, for no reason at all, is holding a tambourine. They sit like gorillas, searching each other’s dreads for nits and dirt. There is little movement because no one in this room has had protein in years so they have lost all muscle tone.

Suddenly, a young intern bursts into the room holding a cloth sack. They all look up. The intern is out of breath, sweating and his eyes are alive with a lack of weed and excitement.

“You guys HAVE to try my new invented Gluten Free snack food! I call them Sticks and Twigs!” He yells. He opens the sack to reveal what appears to be gardening waste. Maybe it’s because they have eaten only wheat grass and positive energy since the last “sit in” but the hippies clamor over each other like meerkats trying to get to the bag of gluten free garbage. They all taste it, and feel what we all feel...

They feel their mouth become sucked of all moisture; they feel the unique and charming texture of sandpaper and rocks. They are fairly sure they might crack a molar but they keep chewing, undeterred and unrelenting. They MUST claim that they love this item. They must love ALL gluten free food. They MUST love all things that make them defecate on a regular basis regardless of the quality and the flavor of the food. WHY? I don’t really know. I think that it’s some sort of twisted superiority complex and it makes no bloody sense to me. If it tastes like shit….here’s a crazy idea….DONT EAT IT.


My favorite moment happens when someone who can eat all things gluten, tastes something like “Sticks and Twigs”. They shrug at me and say, “Well it’s not THAT bad.” Really? Really? Not THAT bad hey? Then why aren’t you eating more of it? Why did you move back to the regular food? Why aren't you taking the bag from me and running away? It’s easy to say something tastes ok when you have other options.  This diet is not a life sentence for them.  It’s the equivalent of me walking into a maximum security prison, spending 20 minutes there then saying to the prisoners, “Well, it’s not THAT bad.”  Don’t I wish shanking was a reasonable and legal threat in my real life.

So bottom line, gluten free doesn’t have to taste like “Sticks and Twigs”. It will get better if we demand it to be better. Don’t eat crappy food to just to be a certain type of person. If we stop buying it, they will stop making it.

Eat grass and sticks and twigs if you actually like the taste of it…but please be advised that I think you are lying through your Birkenstocks.

I was as my friend Ashley's house when we tried the "Sticks and Twigs" I, being the responsible kind lady I am, made her 5 year old daughter eat some to get her reaction in "real time". Thanks for taking a hit for the team Brianna!

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